Once I figured out that God was wanting me to stay in Burleson, I accepted the position of Minister to Children on June 1, 2005. I was so excited about my position and the relationships that I was going to get to make with the children and their families. On June 16th, 2005 a friend of mine's husband was killed in a tragic car accident. This friend was the same one whom was my previous boss when I was an intern at Burleson. Needless to say, it was a life-changing event for me. You may ask why? Was I that close to the family at the time of the accident? No, not really. So why did it affect me so much? I think it was a combination of someone whom I cared about hurting and wondering what God was up to in all of this. I also completely immersed myself into my friend and her kids because I wanted to. That was how I could minister to them.
This event catapulted me into a four year journey of figuring out who God is, my relationship with Him, and how I relate to other people. Those four years included 2 and 1/2 years of counseling and many many hours of talking to people trying to figure out what was going on. There were some low, low times, and there were also some big "Ah Ha" moments. It was by far the hardest journey I have been on in my life. No one else really understands that journey and I'm OK with that. As I have used this blog to chronicle my journey, I have said many times that this "crisis of faith" would have occurred anyway, without the tragic event of my friend's husband passing.
As my many blog entries have followed my journey, I am now at a much healthier place then I was even 6 months ago. God has been with me every step of the way and even though I have tried the best I could to run away, He never left. The coolest thing is that He loves me just as much today as He did four years ago. My relationship with Him looks very different today, it's more realistic and personal. I still don't have the answers I would like nor do I understand everything that I would like to, but I know that God is still God and I most definitely am NOT.
So what does chapter 4 look like? Only God knows. We shall see.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Chapter 2- School Never Ends
Heading to college at Samford University was a definite adjustment. I immediately joined the band and began to make friendships there that would last a lifetime. After deciding to join a sorority, I found even more friends and began to adjust to college life. My first year was a little rough. The adjustment was definitely evident in my grades my first semester, as I was having entirely too much fun with my friends! But that soon turned around as I learned how to balance my time between studying and hanging out with friends.
In the Spring of my freshman year, my grandfather passed away after a long battle with Alzheimer's. That was a difficult time, yet we were all glad he didn't have to suffer anymore and that he could be in Heaven with his Savior and his lovely wife. I still miss my grandparents and think about them often. Throughout that year I was reminded of God's presence in my life and His guiding me as to my career.
The Fall of my sophomore year, I finally gave in to God's calling on my life to do ministry. The summer before I had worked at a camp in Florida and it was at that camp that I felt God's nudging to Children's Ministry. So, I finally gave up the fight and decided I would go God's way instead of my own.
The next two years, were a whirlwind as I experienced normal college life. Dating, not dating, dating again, gaining friends, losing friends, making new friends. After I graduated from Samford, I knew the next step was to attend seminary. So, in the Fall of 2002 I enrolled at Southwestern with the desire to pursue a master's in Christian Education to go along with God's calling on my life. Seminary was an interesting time. I learned a lot about myself and found myself making lots of new friends and exploring more about my faith. There was a time in my three years at Southwestern that I was tired of all the "God stuff" but unlike my time in high school, I stuck with it and got involved in a group at my church that encouraged me along the way. Seminary was difficult, fun, but difficult. In January of 2005 I began to apply for Children's Minister positions throughout the Southeast to be closer to home. I went for several interviews, but was uneasy about all of them. At the same time, the church were I was currently an intern had decided to split the Children's Minister position into a Preschool Minister and Children's Minister. My boss decided she wanted to take the Preschool Minister position because that was where her kids were at the time and she felt she could have greater influence in that area. So, the Children's Minister position was open. However, I still wanted to get closer to home, but I did apply for the position at my church. For 5 months I wondered what God was up to. I wanted to get closer to home, but God had other ideas.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
What's Next
Now that I've actually "gotten to the porch" in my relationship with God, what am I going to blog about now. I thought I would share my story on my blog. All of it, not just bits and pieces. I want to put the whole story together for me to see the way God has worked through it all and to possibly help some of you who are going through the same situation that I was.
So here's Chapter 1
Growing up in a Christian home with wonderful Christian parents, I have had the best upbringing possible. Everyday I am thankful to God for my family and the influence they have had and continue to have on my life.
When I was 9 years old I made the decision to accept Christ as my Lord and Savior. At that time, I understood the limited amount of knowledge a 9 year old can understand about who God is. Basically, I knew that Jesus died on the cross for me and I wanted to go to Heaven when I died. So, I did what I knew to be right at that time. It wasn't until 6 years later that I would have a better understanding of that decision.
Fast forward to my freshman year of high school. Throughout my school years I was known as the "good girl." I was the girl who never drank, smoke, cussed, or really thought bad about anyone. I seemed to have it all together. I thought so too, until I got tired of wearing that label. One day, as I was in the fall of my freshman year, I decided to change my label. I found friends that were very different than me. These friends smoked, cussed, and who knows what else. I thought they would be perfect for me to hang out with, just to get rid of that hated label. After all, who really wants to hang out with a "good girl?"
So for a season of time I hung out with those "friends." I talked like they did and dressed like them, flannel shirts and shorts, even in the summer. What was I thinking? Life continued on and I was drifting farther and farther away from God and my "good girl" label. I was tired of going to church and decided that as long as I did certain things, that seemed "normal" then no one would expect any different. I think my parents weren't fooled at all. I never went as far as participating in the activities that they did, though I came awfully close one time. It seemed that just being around them was enough for me.
I never will forget the day it all changed. I was walking into band class with those same friends when another friend approached me. She and I had grown quite decent from one another because of my choice in my current friendships. She was a "good girl" too and I didn't want to have anything to do with that. As she approached me that day, I could tell something was up. She told me words I will never forget. "Laura, you have to choose between them or me. What's your choice?" At that time I didn't know what to say. However, in the next month or so that followed I found myself on my knees before God asking Him for forgiveness and receiving the grace that He so freely gives us. I spent many hours in my youth minister's office talking to him and telling him of my struggle. It was after a long, hard, battle with myself that I made the decision to recommitment my life to Christ. So at the age of 15 I decided that I didn't care what label people out on me. I was a child of God, and that was a label I am proud to wear.
Chapter 2 to appear soon-School never ends
So here's Chapter 1
Growing up in a Christian home with wonderful Christian parents, I have had the best upbringing possible. Everyday I am thankful to God for my family and the influence they have had and continue to have on my life.
When I was 9 years old I made the decision to accept Christ as my Lord and Savior. At that time, I understood the limited amount of knowledge a 9 year old can understand about who God is. Basically, I knew that Jesus died on the cross for me and I wanted to go to Heaven when I died. So, I did what I knew to be right at that time. It wasn't until 6 years later that I would have a better understanding of that decision.
Fast forward to my freshman year of high school. Throughout my school years I was known as the "good girl." I was the girl who never drank, smoke, cussed, or really thought bad about anyone. I seemed to have it all together. I thought so too, until I got tired of wearing that label. One day, as I was in the fall of my freshman year, I decided to change my label. I found friends that were very different than me. These friends smoked, cussed, and who knows what else. I thought they would be perfect for me to hang out with, just to get rid of that hated label. After all, who really wants to hang out with a "good girl?"
So for a season of time I hung out with those "friends." I talked like they did and dressed like them, flannel shirts and shorts, even in the summer. What was I thinking? Life continued on and I was drifting farther and farther away from God and my "good girl" label. I was tired of going to church and decided that as long as I did certain things, that seemed "normal" then no one would expect any different. I think my parents weren't fooled at all. I never went as far as participating in the activities that they did, though I came awfully close one time. It seemed that just being around them was enough for me.
I never will forget the day it all changed. I was walking into band class with those same friends when another friend approached me. She and I had grown quite decent from one another because of my choice in my current friendships. She was a "good girl" too and I didn't want to have anything to do with that. As she approached me that day, I could tell something was up. She told me words I will never forget. "Laura, you have to choose between them or me. What's your choice?" At that time I didn't know what to say. However, in the next month or so that followed I found myself on my knees before God asking Him for forgiveness and receiving the grace that He so freely gives us. I spent many hours in my youth minister's office talking to him and telling him of my struggle. It was after a long, hard, battle with myself that I made the decision to recommitment my life to Christ. So at the age of 15 I decided that I didn't care what label people out on me. I was a child of God, and that was a label I am proud to wear.
Chapter 2 to appear soon-School never ends
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
On the Porch
Wow, writing that title is scary enough in and of itself. To make a long story short, I was told last Tuesday by my counselor that I have reached the porch. What the crap?!? That thought is terrifying some days...actually most days, but even though it doesn't feel like it, I am taking him at his word. So, Tuesday I was told I was on the porch. Late Tuesday night I received a phone call from a lady at our Christian Women's Job Corp asking me if I would share my testimony the next morning. I asked her how long I would need to speak for (thinking about 15 minutes) and she said an hour. Whoa...what in the world? What am I going to tell these ladies for an hour? Anyway, I told them my story. Not just how I became a Christian, but where I am at right now in my relationship with God. That was the first time I had ever told anyone my story other than my close friends. I wanted to share my story with these ladies to offer them some glimpse of hope in their own lives. So, I ended up talking for 45 minutes and did an OK job. I felt like that was a pretty big step in my relationship with God to tell people my story.
Fast forward to Saturday. Our city hosted a concert where Francis Chan, Kirk Cameron, David Crowder, and Chris Tomlin performed. It was rainy and cold, but well worth it. As Francis was speaking I realized that I was holding on so tightly to the need to be in control that I was scared to let God actually do what He does. After listening to Francis and a little Chris Tomlin, I was moved to tears to let go of my need to control things and give it to God. I wrote down what I surrendered on my commitment card and I also wrote that I committed to fall in love with God all over again. That's a HUGE thing! I think the porch is a place where God and I can hang out and I can love Him again. I want to love God like I see other people loving God. I wan to love God as He is the most important part of my life and that He is a part of everything I do.
So, now I only email my counselor if I need to come in. That's kinda scary too, but I've got some great friends and a great God who will help me each and every day. Will the days be easy? Heck no. But I'm still taking things one day at a time...trusting God with what I have for that day...and that is enough.
Fast forward to Saturday. Our city hosted a concert where Francis Chan, Kirk Cameron, David Crowder, and Chris Tomlin performed. It was rainy and cold, but well worth it. As Francis was speaking I realized that I was holding on so tightly to the need to be in control that I was scared to let God actually do what He does. After listening to Francis and a little Chris Tomlin, I was moved to tears to let go of my need to control things and give it to God. I wrote down what I surrendered on my commitment card and I also wrote that I committed to fall in love with God all over again. That's a HUGE thing! I think the porch is a place where God and I can hang out and I can love Him again. I want to love God like I see other people loving God. I wan to love God as He is the most important part of my life and that He is a part of everything I do.
So, now I only email my counselor if I need to come in. That's kinda scary too, but I've got some great friends and a great God who will help me each and every day. Will the days be easy? Heck no. But I'm still taking things one day at a time...trusting God with what I have for that day...and that is enough.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Where in the World is Smitty?
Wow...it's been a while. I have missed blogging. Life has been a little busy as usual, but I should have still found time to blog.
So what's been going on lately you ask? Well, things are pretty much the same with work and such. God has challenged me in SOOOO many ways over the last month and continues to challenge me everyday. Here are some of what I have learned:
1. God is still on the porch and I am not. This past Sunday at church, I was put in a similar situation that I was in at Children's Camp. At that time, I was asked to picture God in a chair in the same room with me and I ran out of the room. Yesterday, I was talking with the kids about questions they have for God and things they didn't understand. There was a stool next to me and I asked the kids "if God were sitting right here, what would you want to ask Him?" They had some really good questions. During their questions, I found myself very nervous with the idea of God sitting next to me. What in the world!! I thought I was past that. It was/is a huge bump in the road. But I'm trying to pick myself back up and keep going.
2. I have been reminded that friendships are hard and sometimes hurtful...not necessarily in a bad way. Over the last month I have established a great friendship and am so thankful for that. Yet, sometimes, it's SOOO hard. Other friendships have changed or have taken on a totally different dynamic and that saddens me a great deal. Yet through all of these changes I know that God will bring people into my life and is always with me, even in the midst of difficult relationships.
3. Patience, in every sense of the word. There are situations in my life where all I can do is be patient and rely on Him. I guess that means to trust Him. Easier said than done most days. I just don't understand what He is up to. There's so much going on in my head and in my life that all I can do is keep my head above water one day at a time.
I am concerned too that my blog has become a place where I must filter everything I say and write because of all the people who read here. It's taking way to much effort to post something that doesn't offend people even if it's how I'm feeling or not. I wonder if I should just stop blogging. I do enjoy the comments from others, so I'm not quite sure.
Oh my...what a crazy month it's been.
So what's been going on lately you ask? Well, things are pretty much the same with work and such. God has challenged me in SOOOO many ways over the last month and continues to challenge me everyday. Here are some of what I have learned:
1. God is still on the porch and I am not. This past Sunday at church, I was put in a similar situation that I was in at Children's Camp. At that time, I was asked to picture God in a chair in the same room with me and I ran out of the room. Yesterday, I was talking with the kids about questions they have for God and things they didn't understand. There was a stool next to me and I asked the kids "if God were sitting right here, what would you want to ask Him?" They had some really good questions. During their questions, I found myself very nervous with the idea of God sitting next to me. What in the world!! I thought I was past that. It was/is a huge bump in the road. But I'm trying to pick myself back up and keep going.
2. I have been reminded that friendships are hard and sometimes hurtful...not necessarily in a bad way. Over the last month I have established a great friendship and am so thankful for that. Yet, sometimes, it's SOOO hard. Other friendships have changed or have taken on a totally different dynamic and that saddens me a great deal. Yet through all of these changes I know that God will bring people into my life and is always with me, even in the midst of difficult relationships.
3. Patience, in every sense of the word. There are situations in my life where all I can do is be patient and rely on Him. I guess that means to trust Him. Easier said than done most days. I just don't understand what He is up to. There's so much going on in my head and in my life that all I can do is keep my head above water one day at a time.
I am concerned too that my blog has become a place where I must filter everything I say and write because of all the people who read here. It's taking way to much effort to post something that doesn't offend people even if it's how I'm feeling or not. I wonder if I should just stop blogging. I do enjoy the comments from others, so I'm not quite sure.
Oh my...what a crazy month it's been.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Getting Life Back Together
The last couple of days have been difficult to say the least. I have made more people mad then I care to remember. I have worked out a couple of those things that I did to make them so mad. Yet, I still have some more to go. I did something today that I wish to NEVER EVER do again. It's not important what I did, just that I am so thankful God always forgives, time and time again. That's the most comforting thought for today.
I'm trying to figure out the best way to balance my time between my friends. That's a challenge in itself. I want both friends to feel equally respected and valued by me and my concern is that right now, I'm being rather one-sided. I would never want to do that.
There's just a lot going on right now, but I have decided that after two days of being grouchy, distant, frustrated, and feeling like I was floundering in the ocean, I have decided to get my life back together. God is the only one who can help me with that. I realized tonight that no one has control over what I do, say, and feel except me. They don't get that privilege. So, it's time to get my life back together and stop being such a butt-head. I'm tired of it. I want the old Laura to come back.
That was my prayer tonight. God, help me to enjoy life, enjoy my friends, and let go of some things so they do not control me. So, we shall see what happens next.
I'm trying to figure out the best way to balance my time between my friends. That's a challenge in itself. I want both friends to feel equally respected and valued by me and my concern is that right now, I'm being rather one-sided. I would never want to do that.
There's just a lot going on right now, but I have decided that after two days of being grouchy, distant, frustrated, and feeling like I was floundering in the ocean, I have decided to get my life back together. God is the only one who can help me with that. I realized tonight that no one has control over what I do, say, and feel except me. They don't get that privilege. So, it's time to get my life back together and stop being such a butt-head. I'm tired of it. I want the old Laura to come back.
That was my prayer tonight. God, help me to enjoy life, enjoy my friends, and let go of some things so they do not control me. So, we shall see what happens next.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Compliment and Courage
Last week I received a wonderful compliment from one of the ladies in the office. Let me set the scene for you. We had Bible Study on Tuesday night and this lady asked me if I would pray in our group. I said that I would and preceded to do so, not giving it another thought. The next day, she said "Laura, I love hearing you pray." I asked her "Why" and she said "because it's like God is sitting across the table from you and you are talking to Him as a friend." Have mercy!!! I'm never been told that before. My reaction to her was to tell her that my prayer life was a work in progress and this honesty in praying was something new to me. She told me not to change it.
Wow...that conversation has stuck with me since then. It feels good to be walking on the path toward the porch. I may not be there yet, not sure what it will look like when I get there, but I am on my way.
One thing I am asking God for is the courage to continue down the path and courage to step out of my comfort zone a little, set boundaries, and be honest with others. One of the most difficult part of this journey with God is that He constantly reminds me to depend on Him and only on Him. He has brought people into my life to support me, love me, and encourage me along the way, yet they are just people. They will fail me at one time or another. God is the only constant in my life and the only one who I can really tell everything to. That's been an interesting, sometimes scary journey...telling everything to God. Realizing that He is the only one I can tell EVERYTHING to. Yet, that's what He wants from me. I may not get the answers I want or have the audible voice that I would have with a friend but He always listens. Courage...keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust God for today in-spite of what may come. That's a daily battle, but I will keep fighting.
Wow...that conversation has stuck with me since then. It feels good to be walking on the path toward the porch. I may not be there yet, not sure what it will look like when I get there, but I am on my way.
One thing I am asking God for is the courage to continue down the path and courage to step out of my comfort zone a little, set boundaries, and be honest with others. One of the most difficult part of this journey with God is that He constantly reminds me to depend on Him and only on Him. He has brought people into my life to support me, love me, and encourage me along the way, yet they are just people. They will fail me at one time or another. God is the only constant in my life and the only one who I can really tell everything to. That's been an interesting, sometimes scary journey...telling everything to God. Realizing that He is the only one I can tell EVERYTHING to. Yet, that's what He wants from me. I may not get the answers I want or have the audible voice that I would have with a friend but He always listens. Courage...keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust God for today in-spite of what may come. That's a daily battle, but I will keep fighting.
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