What do you do when you are stuck on trying to understand a certain verse of Scripture? For the last two and a half years as I have come to this place of redefining my relationship with God, I have found the reoccurring verse of Job 1:21 continuing to occupy my thoughts. I have read the book of Job so many times. I have read commentaries on the issue and actually have written a lot of thoughts about the book on paper. I have prayed and asked God for enlightment as to this certain verse in Scripture and I still can't figure it out. Now, there are days when that verse is brought back into my head and then I can dismiss it. Recently, for the past couple of days, I find it more difficult to get it out of my head. The commentaries and study Bibles have come back out and the prayers have started again for insight, but none has been found. So, what do I do now?
Here's the verse:
"I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!"
I get the jest of this verse except for the part "the Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away." How can God take things away? There is a really cool Kutless song related to this verse, and I want to get the true meaning of the song, but I just can't shake this verse. More importantly, I feel like I need to understand this verse to truly understand the character of God. How can a loving God, who is just, Holy, etc..take things away? That's probably the biggest question I have/had throughout all of this and I still don't have any answers. Will I get an answer? Maybe not, but I need to be OK not understanding this verse. For some reason, at this time I'm not and it's driving me to a place that I don't want to go. I'm not going to go backwards.
Father, help me to be OK with not knowing what your Scripture means. Give me insight into that verse in Job, if you choose, but if not help me to rest my mind and my heart in those things that I do believe about you. " Amen.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
It's a Slow Day
It's not often that I post things during the middle of the day. However, today at work is quite slow so I thought I would take a few minutes to update the blog. One thing that God is teaching me is that I need to rely on Him fully and completely, instead of other people. That friendship that I was trying to rebuild is not what I thought it was going to be. I think I have accepted that...at least for today. I can and will continue to work on building a working relationship but the friendship I dont' think will ever be the same. Yesterday afternoon I found myself listening to Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries guy) talk about Letting Go. There was some really good points there that I can use in this new "normal" that seems to exist. I have got to be able to "let go" of that relationship to allow myself to be free to move on...adapt...and look forward to what God is doing in my life.
That is the attitude I have tried to have today. Today was a good day. I have no expectations anymore of keeping that friendship and am going to do the right thing, because it is the right thing to do and that is it. That's all...that's the only reason I have to make the right choices even at times when I feel like I am the only one doing so. So, it is what it is and I am working everyday to accept that.
I have another friend in my life who challenges me to grow in my relationship with Christ and for that I am grateful. I think she's actually quite healthy and I'm amazed at her knowledge and her devotion to doing what God wants from her. So, life continues on. I'm walking with God one step at a time and trusting Him with as much trust as I can for the day I am on.
That is the attitude I have tried to have today. Today was a good day. I have no expectations anymore of keeping that friendship and am going to do the right thing, because it is the right thing to do and that is it. That's all...that's the only reason I have to make the right choices even at times when I feel like I am the only one doing so. So, it is what it is and I am working everyday to accept that.
I have another friend in my life who challenges me to grow in my relationship with Christ and for that I am grateful. I think she's actually quite healthy and I'm amazed at her knowledge and her devotion to doing what God wants from her. So, life continues on. I'm walking with God one step at a time and trusting Him with as much trust as I can for the day I am on.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I'm Trying
Sometimes, like right now I just want to say
I'M TRYING!!!!!! I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.
There are so many aspects of my life that I could say that about. So, I'll just put it out there for now.
I'M TRYING!!!!!! I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.
There are so many aspects of my life that I could say that about. So, I'll just put it out there for now.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Say Hello to "Ople" or Opal
Today was a great day! Two of my friends from Kid's Camp came down to lead our Children's Rally and we had a blast! We all decided that we needed camp names and mine is "Ople". For those of you that can't read "Dreds speak" that would be "Opal." I don't know why, but it's pretty funny. Dreds also fixed my guitar today so I am back in business. It felt so good to play today after having been out of commission for a while.
I sure am tired of this rain. I am a sun shine type of girl. There's just something about gray skies and rain day after day after day that kinda drains on my after a while. But, it will end...eventually. This morning at church I noticed something odd going on, but really didn't have time to think about it. Then this afternoon I get a message from our Associate Pastor that something is happening but no details. Then tonight, I go to church and there is this big meeting happening. I'm no wanting to be nosy, but as a minister of church, especially one in charge of kiddos, I feel like I should know what's going on. Maybe it doesn't affect the kids, but what if it does? In other situations at church and in my own life I am ALWAYS the last to know things. I'm not one to pry information out of people so oftentimes I miss things. I guess I don't know when to ask for information and when not to. So, maybe more information will come tomorrow. I just wonder what's going on. I don't want to be the last to know things anymore. I want to feel like I am important enough to know about things when they happen or shortly after. But it is what it is...
On another note, I'm worried about my mom. She fell down some steps at our house last week and is really sore. She can't even get up off the couch to fix supper or do anything. I am hoping and praying that it's nothing serious, but at times like these I wish I was closer to home. My dad had back surgery not long ago, and now Mom might have to go through the same thing. She goes to the doctor then, so until then I will continue to pray. I know that she will be OK, I just wish I knew (a) how bad it was and (b) how I can help. Dad is doing it all and that's usually a pretty crazy thing.
So, as always life is never dull. It continues as usual with it's twists and turns and ups and downs. But hey, God is in control and He's leading the way. Thank the Lord!
I sure am tired of this rain. I am a sun shine type of girl. There's just something about gray skies and rain day after day after day that kinda drains on my after a while. But, it will end...eventually. This morning at church I noticed something odd going on, but really didn't have time to think about it. Then this afternoon I get a message from our Associate Pastor that something is happening but no details. Then tonight, I go to church and there is this big meeting happening. I'm no wanting to be nosy, but as a minister of church, especially one in charge of kiddos, I feel like I should know what's going on. Maybe it doesn't affect the kids, but what if it does? In other situations at church and in my own life I am ALWAYS the last to know things. I'm not one to pry information out of people so oftentimes I miss things. I guess I don't know when to ask for information and when not to. So, maybe more information will come tomorrow. I just wonder what's going on. I don't want to be the last to know things anymore. I want to feel like I am important enough to know about things when they happen or shortly after. But it is what it is...
On another note, I'm worried about my mom. She fell down some steps at our house last week and is really sore. She can't even get up off the couch to fix supper or do anything. I am hoping and praying that it's nothing serious, but at times like these I wish I was closer to home. My dad had back surgery not long ago, and now Mom might have to go through the same thing. She goes to the doctor then, so until then I will continue to pray. I know that she will be OK, I just wish I knew (a) how bad it was and (b) how I can help. Dad is doing it all and that's usually a pretty crazy thing.
So, as always life is never dull. It continues as usual with it's twists and turns and ups and downs. But hey, God is in control and He's leading the way. Thank the Lord!
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
I've done some hard things
Over the last three weeks I have:
-Ended a friendship and dealt with all that entails. The other person was hurt and angry, but I think I handled it well.
-Decided that another relationship is worth saving. I have gone too long with a chip on my shoulder and am taking the steps needed to do what I can to mend the friendship. It's not easy, but I am willing to give it 110%. Everyday I forgive and everyday I ask God to help me. It will be a journey, but one step at a time.
- Found myself falling into the trap of "beating myself up" but talked to God about it and I woke up this morning with a new outlook on things. Last night was pretty low, but after I spent some time talking to my Father, all was good again. That's the first time in a long time that I haven't fallen in the downward spiral of beating myself up again and again.
- I am trying something new at work. We are moving our Family Worship event to Saturday nights, twice a semester. We have some really cool things planned, it will be neat to see it all come together. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a handle on something in my ministry. For a long time, I have felt like I have just been doing good to keep my head above water. Now, I feel like I can swim and get things done.
So, it's been an interesting journey these last three weeks. The biggest thing I've been reminded of the last month is that I can only be in control of myself and that one day I will have to answer to God for my actions and words...not for anyone else's. I need to quit worrying so much about other people and do what I feel is right. God is God and I am not. It's really cool to be able to trust God and know that He is in control.
-Ended a friendship and dealt with all that entails. The other person was hurt and angry, but I think I handled it well.
-Decided that another relationship is worth saving. I have gone too long with a chip on my shoulder and am taking the steps needed to do what I can to mend the friendship. It's not easy, but I am willing to give it 110%. Everyday I forgive and everyday I ask God to help me. It will be a journey, but one step at a time.
- Found myself falling into the trap of "beating myself up" but talked to God about it and I woke up this morning with a new outlook on things. Last night was pretty low, but after I spent some time talking to my Father, all was good again. That's the first time in a long time that I haven't fallen in the downward spiral of beating myself up again and again.
- I am trying something new at work. We are moving our Family Worship event to Saturday nights, twice a semester. We have some really cool things planned, it will be neat to see it all come together. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a handle on something in my ministry. For a long time, I have felt like I have just been doing good to keep my head above water. Now, I feel like I can swim and get things done.
So, it's been an interesting journey these last three weeks. The biggest thing I've been reminded of the last month is that I can only be in control of myself and that one day I will have to answer to God for my actions and words...not for anyone else's. I need to quit worrying so much about other people and do what I feel is right. God is God and I am not. It's really cool to be able to trust God and know that He is in control.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
VBS Week
Well, the most important week of my ministry is here. This week is Vacation Bible School at our church. I'm in charge of all of the 1st-6th graders and the happenings with them. There is A LOT of planning, details, and praying that goes into this week. Whew...it's kinda crazy right now.
I went into this week a little nervous...my track record with past VBS weeks hasn't been so good. This is my 5th VBS to do and the other four have gone wonderfully but there has also been "happenings" associated with all of them. This year I found myself to be nervous again anticipating what was going to happen this week. So far so good. I have tried soooo hard to make sure that I am doing my part and allowing other people to do theirs. I have tried to take off the "super-hero" cape and let other people help and have input.
It takes a lot of mental energy to make sure that I'm minding my ps and qs. I just don't want a replay of the last four years in any shape, form, or fashion. I have even gone to writing the things I need to remember on a green hairband that I wear around my wrist. I figure, whatever gets the job done, works for me. I am so thankful that so far this year's VBS has been great! It's different this year...different in a good way. I don't know if it's the constant reminder of the words on my wrist, or just that I am at a very different place then I was this time last year, but things are definitely better.
I'm still nervous about tomorrow night and Thursday night, because that is when things have seemed to come to a head in years past. But, I will take whatever comes and deal with it as it comes. After all, God is in control of all of it and He will accomplish His purpose. After all, it's not about me.
I went into this week a little nervous...my track record with past VBS weeks hasn't been so good. This is my 5th VBS to do and the other four have gone wonderfully but there has also been "happenings" associated with all of them. This year I found myself to be nervous again anticipating what was going to happen this week. So far so good. I have tried soooo hard to make sure that I am doing my part and allowing other people to do theirs. I have tried to take off the "super-hero" cape and let other people help and have input.
It takes a lot of mental energy to make sure that I'm minding my ps and qs. I just don't want a replay of the last four years in any shape, form, or fashion. I have even gone to writing the things I need to remember on a green hairband that I wear around my wrist. I figure, whatever gets the job done, works for me. I am so thankful that so far this year's VBS has been great! It's different this year...different in a good way. I don't know if it's the constant reminder of the words on my wrist, or just that I am at a very different place then I was this time last year, but things are definitely better.
I'm still nervous about tomorrow night and Thursday night, because that is when things have seemed to come to a head in years past. But, I will take whatever comes and deal with it as it comes. After all, God is in control of all of it and He will accomplish His purpose. After all, it's not about me.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Chapter 3: My World Changed Forever
Once I figured out that God was wanting me to stay in Burleson, I accepted the position of Minister to Children on June 1, 2005. I was so excited about my position and the relationships that I was going to get to make with the children and their families. On June 16th, 2005 a friend of mine's husband was killed in a tragic car accident. This friend was the same one whom was my previous boss when I was an intern at Burleson. Needless to say, it was a life-changing event for me. You may ask why? Was I that close to the family at the time of the accident? No, not really. So why did it affect me so much? I think it was a combination of someone whom I cared about hurting and wondering what God was up to in all of this. I also completely immersed myself into my friend and her kids because I wanted to. That was how I could minister to them.
This event catapulted me into a four year journey of figuring out who God is, my relationship with Him, and how I relate to other people. Those four years included 2 and 1/2 years of counseling and many many hours of talking to people trying to figure out what was going on. There were some low, low times, and there were also some big "Ah Ha" moments. It was by far the hardest journey I have been on in my life. No one else really understands that journey and I'm OK with that. As I have used this blog to chronicle my journey, I have said many times that this "crisis of faith" would have occurred anyway, without the tragic event of my friend's husband passing.
As my many blog entries have followed my journey, I am now at a much healthier place then I was even 6 months ago. God has been with me every step of the way and even though I have tried the best I could to run away, He never left. The coolest thing is that He loves me just as much today as He did four years ago. My relationship with Him looks very different today, it's more realistic and personal. I still don't have the answers I would like nor do I understand everything that I would like to, but I know that God is still God and I most definitely am NOT.
So what does chapter 4 look like? Only God knows. We shall see.
This event catapulted me into a four year journey of figuring out who God is, my relationship with Him, and how I relate to other people. Those four years included 2 and 1/2 years of counseling and many many hours of talking to people trying to figure out what was going on. There were some low, low times, and there were also some big "Ah Ha" moments. It was by far the hardest journey I have been on in my life. No one else really understands that journey and I'm OK with that. As I have used this blog to chronicle my journey, I have said many times that this "crisis of faith" would have occurred anyway, without the tragic event of my friend's husband passing.
As my many blog entries have followed my journey, I am now at a much healthier place then I was even 6 months ago. God has been with me every step of the way and even though I have tried the best I could to run away, He never left. The coolest thing is that He loves me just as much today as He did four years ago. My relationship with Him looks very different today, it's more realistic and personal. I still don't have the answers I would like nor do I understand everything that I would like to, but I know that God is still God and I most definitely am NOT.
So what does chapter 4 look like? Only God knows. We shall see.
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