Honestly: How Long Can I Avoid It

So, today was another Sunday.  Sundays are busy days for me.  They are very long days...days filled with meeting new families, leading children in worship, and just being "on my A game."  So that makes me wonder...is part of my "A" game to attend worship for myself?  I went this morning to the sermon portion of worship and did OK.  The topic was on something that really didn't have much to do with this whole faith struggle.  But, I guess the good thing is that I went.  I did stay for one song...it was a hymn but yes I found it hard to sing.  Hymns don't usually affect me the way praise and worship songs do though.  Tonight I had the choice once again to stay for worship after our business meeting and choose not to do so.  Both of those incidents seem relatively small...but I am quite sure they represent something greater than just a struggle with worship.  So the question I am asking myself tonight is...how long can I avoid going to worship?  I tell children many times that attending worship is one thing that we can do to grow as Christ-followers.  Yet another example of telling children what they are suppose to do and not doing it myself.  So, the cycle continues.

My Bio-Dome

Last night was another long night.  I ended up not getting more than a couple hours sleep at a friend's house.  We were up most of the night hashing through the jungle that is my life.  One thing that we talked about extensively was the idea of me spending time in a bio-dome.  Inside this bio-dome is the my "perfect" world. I have control over what enters the dome and what leaves.  When I went to bed at 3:30am, I knew I wouldn't sleep a whole lot because my mind was running. It was suggested that I don't allow the "mental gymnastics" into my bio-dome so that I could get a few hours of sleep.  I tried...I really did.  Still woke up frequently..could be due to a number of things, not just the thoughts running through my head.

It's actually quite a nice idea to think that I can operate in my bio-dome with complete control.  I can choose everything that happens in there.  The problem is that every now and then I have to come out and face things that aren't necessarily something I would allow in my bio-dome.  If I continue to explore this analogy, it begs the question: Where is God in relation to my bio-dome?  I know He's not in it.  He can't be right now...so how close do I let Him get?  I can sort of picture God sitting on the outside of my dome and me on the inside...no communication, but there He sits.  That kinda bothers me though.  I would think that eventually I would get tired of just looking at Him.  I would either begin to talk to Him about me or move Him farther away.  Why can't I allow Him into my bio-dome?  That's the big question.

I was told that for my friend the bio-dome worked to give her a safe place to heal, even if it wasn't real.  I can see it providing an escape for me...kind of a break from those thoughts that run through my head.  A break would be nice.  The thing is...I can't live forever in my bio-dome.  Eventually, it will have to come down.  Hum....Thoughts?

Children's Camp Recap Pt 2: On the Team

Here's part two of that same conversation that was had that night.  After the whole incident with God in a chair which pretty much threw me into a tail-spin, we then shifted gears as to being on a team.  Now having been on some minor sports teams in my life (mostly through church and intra-murals in college) I understand the concept of a team.  My friend asked me, "Laura, you're on God's team because you have trusted Him as your Lord and Savior, but what are you doing?"  This question had no easy answer.  I have had some time over the last two weeks to think about the question and the answer is "trying to play."  I feel like I am sitting on the bench, but yet wanting to jump in the game before it is my turn to play.  As soon as I try to get in the game, I "hit a brick wall" and am forced to sit back down.  The other day that same friend asked me "Laura, what's wrong with just sitting on the bench?  What's wrong with telling God that right now you are just going to sit the bench...that you're on the team and will come to the games, but you are going to just sit and watch for a while from the other end of the bench?"  My initial response to her question was that I have to play.  I feel that since I am a minister I have to play.  I have to suck it up...compartmentalize all that runs in my head...and play.  To some extent, that is true.  I guess the problem comes when I expect that of myself all the time.  I think there is a difference between compartmentalizing my faith struggles when I am teaching kids or at work and continuing to compartmentalize them when I can/should let my guard down a little more.  This whole concept of just sitting on the bench is foreign in to me, and it will require a little more exploration, so there will probably be more to come on this whole team idea as it relates to my faith journey.

I'm not sure how much sense this post will make to anyone other than myself.  It's hard to put it all into words tonight for some reason.  The hamsters are running and they are wearing me out.  Why else would I be in bed at 10:23 in the evening.  Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. 

Children's Camp Recap Pt 1: God in a Chair

So, it's been a whirlwind in my life lately.  Children's Camp, came and went...my parents came to town unexpectedly to buy me a new car...work is crazy busy...etc..etc...  Needless to say, things have been rather busy for me lately.  In fact, it is only now that I am beginning to process a lot of what happened at camp and where I am at in my own faith journey.  As far as the title goes, I am thinking there will be more then just one part to this post as I sort through all of this stuff that has happened in the last two weeks.  So, here's part 1.

At camp last week, I had a VERY open and honest conversation with a new friend of mine.  This friend is someone who I got to know at camp last year, but didn't really imagine myself being so very open with her.  I think what gave me to desire to have her for a friend was that she has been through a faith journey very similar to mine and has survived...not only survived, but came out much better then when she started.  That alone was enough for me to wonder how she did it.

Anyway, let me set the scene for you before we get into the main reason for this post.  It's the last night of Children's Camp after we had a great time of worship and two kids committed their lives to Christ, and I just came back from running.  Now, for those of you who know me, you know that I don't usually run at 10:30 at night, but I needed to unwind.  I felt like my head was going to explode at any moment.  So, I ran.  I come back from running and my friend ask me to tell her the answer to a question she had asked me earlier that day.  I was my usual self and put off answering her question.  It was about 1:30am before I finally worked up enough courage to answer her question honestly.  In answering that one question, I was going to be pretty open about myself and my struggles and that's just not something I am comfortable doing.

Anyway, after we talked through the question she asked me earlier that day, she asked me another question.  We were sitting in her room in the dorm where we were staying for camp and I was sitting on the bed.  She was diagonal from me, sitting in a chair.  She pulled up an empty chair, put it right in front of me and said "Laura, pretend that God is sitting in that chair.  What would you do?"  No sooner did she get those words out of her mouth,  I ran out the door.  Not just ran..I bolted from the room.  

I came back when she told me that the scenario was over.  But then, did we ever have something to talk about.  Anyway, our conversation lasted until 5:00am the next morning.  So there was not sleep had by yours truly that night and my mind has been running ever since.

So, why did I run out of the room when I pictured God in the chair sitting right in front of me?  It's because I'm scared.  I've found out more and more that I can talk to God about other people and their needs, or about ministry events such as Children's Camp and VBS, and can even trust Him with those things, yet when it comes to my life, you might as well forget it.  I'm not going to talk to Him about it and I'm not so sure about trusting Him with all of it.  How can I trust God when I don't understand Him?  My friend had some comments to say about that sentence..but that's for another day.  So, now the question is...if I can't put God in the chair sitting across from me, then how close will I let Him get?  Will I let Him into my bubble or does He have to stay on the outside, in another dimension?  How much do I let Him into the thoughts and feelings I have towards Him and regarding the issues of faith?  Those are just scratching the surface of the ponderings going on in my head.  All in all though..camp itself went very well.  God worked in an awesome way at camp and brought two children into a relationship with Him and for that I am grateful.