A Look Back on 2007

Christmas is over and New Year's is around the corner.  Time spent with my family at Christmas was nice...it's always good to go back to where I grew-up, and it's always good to come back home.  The Christmas decorations are down...another Christmas come and gone.

New Year's....2008...most people think of this as a new start.  Last year I made some resolutions...knowing that I probably wouldn't stick with them and I was right.  So, this year...for 2008...I don't know if I will make any resolutions.  Here's what I know about 2007:

- I finished the year...almost finished the year...with more questions then answers

- Lots of good things happened this year...friendships grew, new friendships began, my job at church is good

- There are things that I believe about God that I've held on to all year long

- I would like to say that I have gone down the road of trying to figure out the hows, whys, what ifs, trying to figure out this whole faith thing...and have emerged on the other side...but I can't. 

What will 2008 bring?  Who knows...

I will continue on this journey...trying to figure it all out, yet knowing that I'll never get there.

This is how it is

Last night I begun listening to a sermon by Andy Stanley. I always am interested in what Andy has to say and this time it was no different. In this sermon, Andy is talking about my favorite story in the Bible that recounts one of Jesus' miracles- Jesus healing the man born blind.

At the beginning of the story, the disciples asked Jesus why the man had been born blind. Jesus told them that it was so the work of God could be displayed in this man's life. That's a bold statement for Jesus to make and one I don't get...but that's not the point....that will be another post.

Andy makes the statement that it was as if Jesus was telling the disciples...guys, this isn't what you wanted to hear, but this is how it is. Hum...that's not good enough for me. I want to know why...I so want it all to make sense....why? Why do I have this desire for everything about God to make sense?

This is how it is....the hard part is taking that and being OK with it.

Does God love me? Does God like me?

I just finished reading a book, Messy Spirituality, by Mike Yaconelli.  It's actually a pretty encouraging book for someone who can't discern heads or tails about my faith right now.  I like to read books, but usually I don't want to read the same one twice...especially right away. However, this book I think I want to read it again and make some notes on it.  Anyway, in the book Yaconelli mentions the idea that there was a time in his life when he wasn't so sure if God liked him.  He knew that God loved him, but he wasn't sure if he was liked by God.  The more I think about that, the more I think I'm right there with him.  Throughout this whole journey, I have known that God loves me.  Sure, there have been those days when I didn't/don't feel like God loved me, but I knew that for some reason it was/is true.  I think right now the question is: Does God like me?

I remember being told when I was little and even today hearing parents tell their children "I love you, but I don't like the choices you are making right now."  It was at that point that I knew my parents were frustrated at me or disappointed in me and I think that the same is true for God.  Yes, I know that God isn't like that...He's the perfect parent, but still...

I have this perception of God that He doesn't like me right now.  I still know that He loves me, but it's hard for me to imagine Him liking me.  I haven't fleshed out this whole idea of God liking me just yet.

What would it look like for me to say that God likes me?  What would it take?

What's the difference between God liking me and God loving me?

Did God ever not like people in Scripture?

Maybe I don't believe that God likes me because I don't like Him...heck I'm not even sure if I love Him.

Today was an angry day. I'm not real sure exactly what's going on, but I think anger best describes my feelings at this moment. I think my anger comes from a place inside of me where because I can't put the pieces together of "my puzzle" that frustration turns into anger. Everywhere I look there are reminders that Christmas is coming. Yep...still don't care. That makes me angry at myself, because I should care...heck, the reason for Christmas is what my job is all about. That's why I decided today that I wanted to be a garbage lady...no responsibility, no spiritual facades to wear...just me and the trash. At least, that was until my friend told me she would like to be a barrista at Starbucks. That's sounds a little more appealing I guess. Tonight at church, I even misunderstood a situation and accused a child of doing something that she didn't do. Tears followed and once I had realized what happened, I apologized and hopefully all is well. Everything was off today...

I wonder if part of the anger that I feel is directed at God. In my never-ending, increasingly frustrating search to understand who God is and how He works, I just can't help but think there is probably some anger there. I want to go one day without thinking of my faith struggle and having to run everything through a filter. Why can't I just accept things as they are and go with it? I feel alone right now and I think I need to be OK with that. Maybe tonight before I fall asleep I can make a list of those things that I am angry about and go from there.

Anger, frustration, discouragement, inadequacy...these are the emotions at the end of my day. Tomorrow is going to come and it will be "something"...good or bad, it will be whatever it will be.

Decorating for Christmas

Tonight I made myself put out my Christmas decorations. I was just going to put a few things out: my nativity, and a few odds and ends. However, I ended up putting my tree up and putting out everything that goes inside my apartment. The outside will have to wait until the weather gets a little warmer. Anyway, putting out my decorations was different this year. I usually look foward to decorating for Christmas. I have always enjoyed the sights and smells of the Christmas season. This year, there's not much joy in putting up my decorations. I'm just not into it.

Frankly, I don't really care that it's Christmas time. Hopefully that will change as the holiday approaches. That might sound harsh, it's not intended to be. I'm thankful Christ came to earth, the greatest gift ever, but I dunno, it just doesn't seem like Christmas. I just don't have that "glad and sincere heart" that people focus on at Christmas. I'm not real sure how else to explain it right now. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more words.