Whewwwwww....

Wow! What a whirlwind of a week it has been. We went to camp and came back, and I spent this weekend with a family that goes to our church. I also have an additional piece of jewelry on my body and I did it without asking my mother! (I may regret that later...we shall see).

Children's Camp was great! I am amazed at how God used all of those people that went as sponsors, the worship leaders, and the camp pastor to "be Jesus" to these kiddos. Three children made decisions for Christ, so that is something to most definitely celebrate! Throughout the four days of camp, I felt somewhat distracted and disengaged in worship and throughout the day. I think that the events of the week before camp, kept replaying in my mind. However as I reminded myself of why I was there and refocused on the children and the counselors at camp, things seemed to improve.

Very long story, very short...at 3:30am on Tuesday at camp, I talked to God about me. One of my good friends who has been with me throughout this struggle was with me and after she and another lady were telling me some pretty hard things to hear, I decided enough was enough. If this is truly my own struggle and I am traveling up the mountain by myself, then I am going to need God's help to get me to the top.

Todd Agnew has a song entitled "A War Inside of Me." That pretty much sums it up to say that's how I felt as I was sobbing before and during my prayer time. I rehearsed in my head what I would say to God and kept telling myself that all I have to do is open my mouth and the words will come.

They came...they weren't pretty...they were honest..

I'm still in shock that I did that. I've never talked to God so honestly and raw before. I laid it all out there for Him and He didn't strike me down. The thing is, I didn't feel any relief after praying. Actually, I felt pretty much like crap for the next two days afterwards. The morning after, I felt like I had been hit by a train and left on the track. I wonder if that's how people feel that have a hangover? I was exhausted to the point of almost being physically ill.

Now that I've had a couple of days to recover, I find myself asking, "What's next?" I know I'm suppose to keep talking to God and will do that, but it's like I've forgotten how to do so. I think just like my relationship with God will look different when all of this is over, my prayer life is going to look different too. I know those two things go together, but I never thought about it that way.

I know I need to get the focus off of me. But, I'm not sure how to do that. My prayer the other night was telling God how I felt, what I didn't like about Him, what I don't understand, etc... It was mostly "I" statements. I know prayer needs to be about God and what He is doing in our lives, but I'm not sure how to make that happen.

I want my prayer time to be authentic and real and right now I still have these very raw emotions when it comes to God.

But, progress was made at camp. I talked to God about me and we shall see what God does with that.