I can't seem to get the picture of the Prodigal Son out of my head. Here is what I picture...me standing along way off from the house. I can see the house ahead but there are a lot of hills to go to get there. I continue to wonder that way, but along the way encountering things that cause me to veer off course. I eventually find my way on the road again, but then the distractions come. So, what does the house look like? It's warm and welcoming from what I can tell. Sitting on the porch is God and He is waiting for me to come home. (No, I don't know what God looks like).
I think the trouble I keep running into with the picture in my head is that's not how the story of the Prodigal Son ended. The Father in the story ran out to meet the son. As I alluded to in my earlier post, I am not comfortable with God running to me. Yes, I realize that in reality He is always with me, but still. I want to come home on my own terms. I don't want to be forced to come home.
Why? I have been told many times that this journey home, to a place where I can trust God, is my own journey to make. I feel like in making this journey by myself I need to do it right. I think the hardest thing in the trip home is being OK with God when I don't have the answers to the never-ending questions. I have told God that I am not OK with that. Behind that sentence I think there is some anger, frustration, and doubt that still hasn't been worked through just yet.
My drive to get everything just right...in everything I do...plays through in my faith journey as well. I just want it to be right...I want to be able to say, like I have heard so much before, that my relationship with God is stronger because of the struggle I have been through. When I went to the Women of Faith conference this past weekend I heard speaker after speaker tell of rough times they have had throughout their lives and how they have come through those times with a greater understanding of who God is and what their relationship with Him is like. I WANT THAT!
I want people to tell me how they did it. Yet, in making this journey on my own, maybe I'm better off not knowing. But there are so many people who have walked dark roads and come out of the other side. I just want to know how they did it, so I can do it too. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place right now...somewhat stalled in the trip home.
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5 comments:
hey laura- i am with you in the stalled place to an extent I so want to come out of pain and struggle stronger its still a yes/no deal though I am scard i wont be strong enough to do what i need to come through it as i want to i hate that i know all the *right stuff* but my heart and will are not in the same place as what my mind knows is true always so enjoy reading your sharing and ty for commenting at my place :)
Hey Laura, I actually work for Women of Faith and came across your post! I'm glad that you were able to see from the experience what it looks like to be on the other side, but I'm sorry that you're still struggling in your faith. I read through your blog a some and everything you wrote I can relate to. I'll definitely continue to follow it! Something I noticed (that we share in common): You are WAY too hard on yourself. I also noticed a lot in your post "I want", "I feel", I think" statements. But the phrase I had to learn to start understanding peace was "I can't." That's not a phrase I take well to, but it was my answer to finding a little more peace in life. You can't decide how or when God accepts you. You want it to come in a way that's easier for you to believe and understand, but the only way to accomplish that is to just work on believing and knowing that it's already there. You can't expect yourself not to doubt God. You can't expect yourself to just change your personality or thought process so that all of this understanding will come easier to you. God doesn't expect it of you, and you shouldn't either. Instead, embrace it - LOOK for doubt so you can conquer it. God made you a deep thinker - he did it knowing that it would make it harder to accept the complexity of faith and his love for us - but he still did it for a reason. The bible says that all we need is a mustard seed of faith for God to let it grow. If you have a mustard seed, then you're already well on your way to where you want to be - and it's clear to me that you do.
Also, I'm an avid photographer :) Getting into photography gave me something to focus on that made me happy when I walked through my struggles. Finding stuff in life that makes you happy allows God to rebuild your self-confidence. It looks like you're youth ministry is already in place - which is another example of how God is already answering your prayers!
I'd love to send out a thank you gift to say Thanks for your support! If that's okay just send me a line with your address to mricheson@womenoffaith.com.
~Melanie
but...but ....I DON'T know what it looks like for you.....;) and really THank God for that you know? love and prayers b
I see (and my perception can be off so forgive me) something after reading both posts on the prodigal especially the statement wanting to come to God on your own terms, there appears to be a barrier between you and God. I believe knowing and understanding that barrier may give you answers that you seek.
nice posts
becky
Thanks for the comment.....thanks
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