Jibberish

The past few days my head has been full. Things are just different right now. It's very difficult to put into words. I feel that I am challenging myself on a lot of things.
- Praying to God and reading Scripture when no one is there to ask me how it is going
- Growing in who I am as an employee and a minister
- Discovering more of my short comings and trying not to beat myself up over them

Those things are incredibly difficult for me to do. I have noticed an interesting trend however. It seems that when the connection line with God is broken off (prayer) there is a disconnect everywhere else too. There has been and continues to be a large unsettledness in my spirit right now. I feel like the majority of it is because I'm not spending time with God at all. For some reason it's difficult to do the things mentioned above when there is no one holding you accountable for those things. It's extremely hard to get back into the habit of spending time with God when it hasn't been done in so long and when I do spend time with Him it feels as if I am getting no where. So, part of me wonders why I would keep talking to God and keep reading Scripture when I feel like I am getting no closer to home. Then, I remember where I was when I couldn't even be in the same room with God and I see that there has been some significant progress made.

Why do I feel like I need someone to hold me accountable to spending some time with God? I think it's because I am not in the habit of doing so and it's extremely hard to do most days. I'm not talking about a "quiet time" just a prayer or a short Scripture passage would be progress.

What's up with the whole church thing? Ministry is hard. Whoever thinks differently is not doing it right. It's hard, no impossible, to meet everyone's demands and be all things to all people. I seem to have the opinion and I know I feel like I am not respected at work and that I'm not as important as everyone else. This past week I have been comparing myself to the other ministers, those who have been there the same about of time I have or those who haven't been there as long, I find that they seem to get more respect from the co-workers then I do. There are lots of variables that play into this, but it is what it is. Sometimes I just want to scream "I'M NOT STUPID. I HAVE A MASTER'S DEGREE TOO." I don't even think it has so much to do with my degree as it does with just me the person. I'm not really sure what all is going on there but hopefully things will improve.

I've also been on two dates in the past 5 days which has been nice. A little nerve-racking but nice. We shall see what happens. Oh and those dates were with two different guys.

So, there's a lot of unrest in Laura's life. I know I should keep putting one foot in front of the other but right now it feels like I'm stuck.