Goin' Home?

I can't seem to get the picture of the Prodigal Son out of my head. Here is what I picture...me standing along way off from the house. I can see the house ahead but there are a lot of hills to go to get there. I continue to wonder that way, but along the way encountering things that cause me to veer off course. I eventually find my way on the road again, but then the distractions come. So, what does the house look like? It's warm and welcoming from what I can tell. Sitting on the porch is God and He is waiting for me to come home. (No, I don't know what God looks like).

I think the trouble I keep running into with the picture in my head is that's not how the story of the Prodigal Son ended. The Father in the story ran out to meet the son. As I alluded to in my earlier post, I am not comfortable with God running to me. Yes, I realize that in reality He is always with me, but still. I want to come home on my own terms. I don't want to be forced to come home.

Why? I have been told many times that this journey home, to a place where I can trust God, is my own journey to make. I feel like in making this journey by myself I need to do it right. I think the hardest thing in the trip home is being OK with God when I don't have the answers to the never-ending questions. I have told God that I am not OK with that. Behind that sentence I think there is some anger, frustration, and doubt that still hasn't been worked through just yet.

My drive to get everything just right...in everything I do...plays through in my faith journey as well. I just want it to be right...I want to be able to say, like I have heard so much before, that my relationship with God is stronger because of the struggle I have been through. When I went to the Women of Faith conference this past weekend I heard speaker after speaker tell of rough times they have had throughout their lives and how they have come through those times with a greater understanding of who God is and what their relationship with Him is like. I WANT THAT!

I want people to tell me how they did it. Yet, in making this journey on my own, maybe I'm better off not knowing. But there are so many people who have walked dark roads and come out of the other side. I just want to know how they did it, so I can do it too. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place right now...somewhat stalled in the trip home.

Whatcha Up To?

After spending some time with my family last week on vacation from the usual activities of my life, I think it is time to think about where I'm at in my spiritual journey. For the last month or so, I've been looking intently at the story of the Prodigal Son. I can identify with the Prodigal Son. Not so much in that I totally ran away from God and turned my back on Him to squander my money on wild living, I haven't done those things. But I can identify with him in that I have walked away from what I knew to be true about God. I have had my relationship with Him and believed that He exist, but that's about it. Until now...

Now I am headed back home. In the same way that the Prodigal Son came to his father with the desire to just be a servant in his father's household because of his mistakes, I have the desire to come to God with an attitude of "just being a servant." It seems that I have been neglecting my relationship with Him for so long, that I don't deserve to come back to Him as I used to be. Then again, I guess none of us do.

The thing where the Prodigal Son story differs then my own is that the father ran out to meet the son. I don't really want God to run to meet me. I want to come to Him on my own terms and in my own time. Is that wrong? I'm not sure which one is more characteristic of God. I'm thinking the way the father reacted is more telling of how God receives those who come back to Him since it was Jesus who told the story to begin with. But I don't know. I need some insight on this one.