I can't believe that 2009 will be here in just a few short hours. Last year I made the decision to not make any resolutions...I didn't want to set myself up for failure. I couldn't take that at that point in time. This year...tonight...I am making some goals..not resolutions but just things I want to accomplish this year. If I don't get them done, that's OK. But I'm going to try.
- Journal more often. While I consider my blog to be like a journal, it's not the same as journaling in my own handwriting and with just my eyes reading the words on the page. Since I have begun to wear my blue bracelet to remind myself to talk to God everyday, I have found that when I journal my thoughts and prayers it helps my frame of mind.
- Be more outgoing in making friends and keeping friendships. I tend to gravitate towards just a few people at certain times. While I don't think that will change, I do need to increase my circle of friends...friends my own age and at my stage in life.
- A house? Maybe
- Trust God everyday, with the little things and the big things. Be OK with the amount of trust I do have in God, but always strive for a deeper relationship with Him. I wonder if I can get to where I spend time with Him everyday without having nervous feelings?
- Take better care of myself. Get more rest and exercise more. I need to eat healthier by making better choices about what I eat.
- Don't be scared to try new things and step out of my comfort zone in my personal life and in my ministry.
So I guess that's it for my goals for 2009. I'm going to try my best and accomplish these things. I think the most important is to continue to work on my relationship with my Father and in the process I think the other things will come eventually.
I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed 2009! Thank you for another year of reading and walking with me on this journey.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
At a Lost for Words
That's a first huh? Too bad I wasn't talking about my blog. Here's what I don't understand...why is it so hard to explain my thought processes to people? So many times each day I have to tell myself that the only one who completely understands my struggle is God. No one else gets it nor should I expect them too. Most days I am OK with that yet I still wonder what it would be like if someone did completely understand. I don't really want them to, as I have said before. So, I'm quite twisted in my thinking. I think in some ways, over the last three weeks, I have become more guarded and quite about my struggle and my relationship with God. If people aren't going to understand, then what's the point in talking to them about it? Yet maybe the goal isn't to get people to understand. Maybe the goal is to have someone to walk with me on the journey. God walks with me every step of the way, even when I don't want Him to. I really am trying to let that be enough. God understands and that's what I have to go on each and every day. One day I will get to a place where I am cool with that and I won't expect anyone to understand...it's just a slow process.
Every day it takes work...but I'm not going to give up. I just need to find the balance between sharing my faith journey with others realizing that they won't completely understand and relying on God to walk me through.
Every day it takes work...but I'm not going to give up. I just need to find the balance between sharing my faith journey with others realizing that they won't completely understand and relying on God to walk me through.
Christmas is Different This Year
Last night I attended a wonderful Christmas program at a church in the area. At this concert, the guest singer told us of a ministry he had founded that reaches out to children whose parent(s) are in prison or those who are falling behind in school. Normally, I would have just thought "this man is doing a good thing for others. Good for him." I would have then gone about my regular business of the night. However, last night was different.
You see, in March my music minister back home was charged with sexual abuse and misconduct with a minor in a previous church. This was a shock to everyone and totally threw me for a loop. He was a great guy who had a wonderful wife and two adorable children. No one would have ever suspected any of this. Very long story short, he was found guilty and is spending the next two Christmases in a prison in Maryland, thousands of miles away from his family. Because of his one wrong choice, he is now living the consequences of that choice. Christmas will be different this year for him, his wife, and his kids.
I think the strangest part of all of this is that his children are now in that statistic of "children who's parent(s) are in prison." That was hard to come to terms with last night. It just is so completely UNFAIR. I HATE IT!!!! This will be their first Christmas without dad around and I know it won't be easy. But I also know that someway, somehow God will see them through this Christmas and the one to follow.
Which brings up a whole different, yet somewhat related issue, these kids will see their father again. Yes, they will have a long road of healing ahead of them, but they will see him again here on this earth. What about my friend whose kids won't spend another Christmas with their dad? That still sucks and always will. I wonder which is more difficult to work through..the incarceration of a parent or the death of a parent. In some ways I think they are similar, both dealing with the loss of a parent, in other ways they are completely different.
Christmas is different this year and I pray to God that He will help them through.
You see, in March my music minister back home was charged with sexual abuse and misconduct with a minor in a previous church. This was a shock to everyone and totally threw me for a loop. He was a great guy who had a wonderful wife and two adorable children. No one would have ever suspected any of this. Very long story short, he was found guilty and is spending the next two Christmases in a prison in Maryland, thousands of miles away from his family. Because of his one wrong choice, he is now living the consequences of that choice. Christmas will be different this year for him, his wife, and his kids.
I think the strangest part of all of this is that his children are now in that statistic of "children who's parent(s) are in prison." That was hard to come to terms with last night. It just is so completely UNFAIR. I HATE IT!!!! This will be their first Christmas without dad around and I know it won't be easy. But I also know that someway, somehow God will see them through this Christmas and the one to follow.
Which brings up a whole different, yet somewhat related issue, these kids will see their father again. Yes, they will have a long road of healing ahead of them, but they will see him again here on this earth. What about my friend whose kids won't spend another Christmas with their dad? That still sucks and always will. I wonder which is more difficult to work through..the incarceration of a parent or the death of a parent. In some ways I think they are similar, both dealing with the loss of a parent, in other ways they are completely different.
Christmas is different this year and I pray to God that He will help them through.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Things are about to get interesting
When people tell you about their blog are you responsible to tell them about yours? I have two people, one who knows me well and the other whom I am beginning to get know, who have told me about their blogs. I have read them and wonder if I should tell them about mine? If I do, that opens up a whole world of things. I would have to explain more and they would have access to other people's blogs. I'm just not so sure about that. So, I'm following one of those blogs anonymously. We shall see how that all plays out.
I have started reading another book: Believing God by Beth Moore. I have done this Bible study twice but I have never read the book. Today I got to the part where she asked us to make a commitment to stick with this redefining my "believing God" way of living for 9 weeks. A part of this is doing something that alters the way I do things everyday...becoming more focused on who God is and what He is doing in my life. So, I've decided that for nine weeks, I am going to write in my journal (not my blog) one honest prayer to God everyday. I shall see how that goes. She also uses verses in Scripture, Numbers 15:37-41 which refers to wearing a blue cord to remember all that God has done for me and to remind me of this commitment I have made. So today, I bought some ribbon and a friend of mine put it on for me, so here I go.
Yesterday I talked with my counselor some more about this whole "all or nothing" mentality that I can't seem to shake. He reminded me to look for little ways that God is working even when I get frustrated with situations where I immediately question Him. He seems to think that will help me not getting so frustrated at God and remind me that God is still God and still loving even if the situation doesn't give evidence to that. It also goes with that whole being thankful thing. The list is over, but I learned some things about God through the exercise. He also has read half of The Shack and he really likes it. He said that he understands why I identify so much with that book and why reading it and hearing the author was so impactful for me. I still can't get that book out of my head.
About three days ago I found a good friend of mine on Facebook. This is a friend who was a mentor to me during college and...thanks to Facebook chat...was able to talk to her about some of what's going on in my life. She lives in Georgia and it was nice to talk to someone who has no ties to Texas. She wants me to email her sometime this week and continue the conversation with her. I think I will do that.
I still seem to have a chip on my shoulder that I can't quite shake. I still am a little jaded when people talk about God in..what seems to me to be flippant. However, that's where they are in their faith. I'm not there and I need to be OK with where they are at. I'll get there...it's just slow. I think some of "the chip" is directed at God. I'm not sure why, but things still aren't great. They are still unsettled in that regards. Maybe I'll have some clarity in these next 9 weeks.
So, I feel like my life is about to get interesting with all that is going on. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be interesting to see what's in store.
I have started reading another book: Believing God by Beth Moore. I have done this Bible study twice but I have never read the book. Today I got to the part where she asked us to make a commitment to stick with this redefining my "believing God" way of living for 9 weeks. A part of this is doing something that alters the way I do things everyday...becoming more focused on who God is and what He is doing in my life. So, I've decided that for nine weeks, I am going to write in my journal (not my blog) one honest prayer to God everyday. I shall see how that goes. She also uses verses in Scripture, Numbers 15:37-41 which refers to wearing a blue cord to remember all that God has done for me and to remind me of this commitment I have made. So today, I bought some ribbon and a friend of mine put it on for me, so here I go.
Yesterday I talked with my counselor some more about this whole "all or nothing" mentality that I can't seem to shake. He reminded me to look for little ways that God is working even when I get frustrated with situations where I immediately question Him. He seems to think that will help me not getting so frustrated at God and remind me that God is still God and still loving even if the situation doesn't give evidence to that. It also goes with that whole being thankful thing. The list is over, but I learned some things about God through the exercise. He also has read half of The Shack and he really likes it. He said that he understands why I identify so much with that book and why reading it and hearing the author was so impactful for me. I still can't get that book out of my head.
About three days ago I found a good friend of mine on Facebook. This is a friend who was a mentor to me during college and...thanks to Facebook chat...was able to talk to her about some of what's going on in my life. She lives in Georgia and it was nice to talk to someone who has no ties to Texas. She wants me to email her sometime this week and continue the conversation with her. I think I will do that.
I still seem to have a chip on my shoulder that I can't quite shake. I still am a little jaded when people talk about God in..what seems to me to be flippant. However, that's where they are in their faith. I'm not there and I need to be OK with where they are at. I'll get there...it's just slow. I think some of "the chip" is directed at God. I'm not sure why, but things still aren't great. They are still unsettled in that regards. Maybe I'll have some clarity in these next 9 weeks.
So, I feel like my life is about to get interesting with all that is going on. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be interesting to see what's in store.
Monday, December 01, 2008
I think I can...I think I can
God is in control...trust God with the amount of trust I have for today....God is in control...Trust God with the amount of trust I have for today...God is in control...etc...
Convincing myself of that today. God is in control, even if I don't get it. God loves me and is with me even though I don't get that either.
The Christmas decorations are up. This is the earliest I've ever put up my decorations. I'm hoping they will help me to get in the Christmas spirit. We shall see. Here's a picture of the manger scene in my apartment. It's my favorite pieces of my decorations. My mom and I spent many hours painting and glazing the stable. I'm pretty proud of it!
I'm sure there were things that Mary and Joseph didn't understand, but they knew God was in control. And they were able to rest in that...why can't I?
Convincing myself of that today. God is in control, even if I don't get it. God loves me and is with me even though I don't get that either.
The Christmas decorations are up. This is the earliest I've ever put up my decorations. I'm hoping they will help me to get in the Christmas spirit. We shall see. Here's a picture of the manger scene in my apartment. It's my favorite pieces of my decorations. My mom and I spent many hours painting and glazing the stable. I'm pretty proud of it!
I'm sure there were things that Mary and Joseph didn't understand, but they knew God was in control. And they were able to rest in that...why can't I?
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