Crockpot Faith

The new blog is up and running

2011-06-15T17:09:00.002-05:00

If you care to read all about my so called life, it's at ontheporch1611.blogspot.com

Check it out!

New address

2011-05-30T11:10:00.000-05:00

New blog is www.ontheporch1611.blogspot.com

The other address is not my blog. Whoops.

-- Laura

It is Time

2011-05-30T10:46:00.001-05:00

So now that I have been in Mississippi for a year now I've decided to move my blog to www.ontheporch.blogspot.com. So I will be over there now. Time for a new chapter! Check it out.

-- Laura

So Much to Be Thankful For

2010-11-22T17:26:00.003-06:00

Wow! I think it's time to start the blog back up again. It seems that my posting comes and goes depending on my life circumstances. Maybe it should be more of a constant thing so I can continue to chronicle my journey with the Lord. Today I had a few moments at work to reflect on all that I have to be thankful for. Wow! It was a lot!

Besides the normal family, friends, my relationship with Jesus, etc...I added to the list a new job, a new home, a new puppy, and new friends! It's been quite a year! God has blessed me in so many ways this year. I was looking back over my post from two years ago and am astounded of the progress that I have made only by the grace and mercy of God.

Yet there are friends of mine for which the holidays this year will be different. There have been people who have lost loved ones or watched as a husband/father continues the battle for his life, fighting the horrible disease of cancer. Another friend will navigate this holiday season as a single mom for the first time ever. Her children will have the "two Christmas" situation that so many other children have each year. So what do they have to be thankful for? All of those people would tell you that they have tons of things to be thankful for even in the midst of a dark season of life.

What about you? What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? In my post two years ago, I read a quote "the gifts given tell a lot about the giver." What has God given you that tells about who He is in your life?

Have a grateful Thanksgiving!

Perplexed

2010-09-07T15:13:00.002-05:00

For quite some time now I have enjoyed listening to the Cornerstone Church podcast on iTunes. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this church, this is where Francis Chan was pastor. I say "was" because in April he and his wife made the decision to leave Cornerstone and follow God's leading on their lives to...who knows where. They are spending time discerning God's will for them. He is convinced that part of what God is going to have him do is work among the inner city people in a large metropolis such as LA. Since I am reading Radical, this struck a chord with me. It seems to me, that Francis and his wife are living out a life modeled after Christ, going where God leads even when they don't know exactly where that is. However, some people (namely pastors from two large churches) don't agree with me. Check it out below:

http://www.christianpost.com/article/20100902/pastors-question-francis-chans-decision-to-leave-megachurch/index.html

I read this article this morning and have been thinking about it all day. These two men are well-known pastors of large "mega" churches and yet they are critical of what Francis is doing. How does that look for Christianity? For those who are questioning the church today and looking at it through a microscope, what are they seeing today? I'm just not sure we should be critical of a man who is living a radical lifestyle....hum...sounds like someone else I know.

Recent Musings

2010-08-30T16:27:00.002-05:00

It's really time to get this blog stuff back on track. There has been so much going on in my life lately that it's been quite a whirlwind. As I posted earlier, I started a new job this summer and things are going great! I love coming to work everyday and ministering to children and their families in Mississippi. Yet, part of me wants to be back in Texas for just a little while. My friends are having a really rough time right now and that hurts my heart. Both of them have been extremely influential in my life, helping me to find my way back to the things of Christ and falling in love with Him all over again. For such a time as this, I cannot go back to Texas. What a lesson in dependence on God!! All I can do here is pray for my friends and be available to them via text and phone. I can only hope they know how much I care for them.

I am also processing a new book Radical written by David Platt. If you haven't found that book yet, search for it right now and start reading. It's some serious stuff! Reading that book has challenged me to live a life that is totally sold-out to Jesus and the only reason this is a possibility is because of His grace and His mercy in my life. I have also had the privilege of listening to Tom Richter speak and he goes right along with the book. Crazy coincidence? I think not! God is up to something in my life. What is it? I don't have a clue. Check out this in John 12:3

"Then Mary took a twelve-ounce jar of expensive perfume made from essence of nard, and she anointed Jesus' feet with it, wiping his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance."

That nard, that expensive perfume, was all that Mary had. It was worth a year's wages. Just think about a bottle of perfume being worth $40K! That's crazy! Yet she gave it all to Jesus. My question is: how much of my jar of nard (my life) am I willing to give to Jesus? Mary gave it all!

So after the message last night on that very passage, I continue to feel lead to go back to school. So, I'm going to do it. Where? I don't know. When? Hopefully, next semester, Lord willing. There are some things that need to be done before then in order for this to become a reality. But I'm just going to take it one step at a time and see where the Lord leads me. After all, if I'm to give my whole self to Him, I'm following His lead anyway. All I have is His. Hang on for the wild ride!

WOW! What a Ride It's Been!

2010-06-13T22:46:00.002-05:00

Have Mercy! It's been a crazy Spring and Summer so far! I have taken a new ministry position in Mississippi and love it! God is continually teaching me many things about myself and how to live with a "Kingdom perspective." In this transition time in my life, I find myself wanting to dig deeper into Scripture and into the truths contained within those pages. It's going to be a pretty neat journey as I search God's Word. The staff at my new church began the year by reading the One Year Bible. I have jumped in about mid way through the year, but am excited to be on this journey with them. I have never read through the entire Bible in a year, and this will be a great way to start this new chapter in my life.

I also went to Lifeway yesterday and picked up a new devotional book where I will be studying the book of Malachi. I have never studied that book before, but based on a recommendation from a friend, I thought I should give it a try. I know God has lots in store for me there.

This Summer has been a blast so far! I find myself laughing and smiling everyday! At VBS last week I was reminded that even on those days when we don't feel like praising the Lord, we should tell our soul to wake up, get it together and praise God. That's what I have been doing on those days when I am just too tired....it makes life much more enjoyable. You should try it sometime. Need Biblical backing for it....look in the Psalms. I don't remember which one, but it's there. Look it up!

Leave your comments telling me what God is doing in your life and how I can be praying for you.

What did I decide?

2010-03-11T21:04:00.002-06:00

So many new people have found my blog and it's so exciting. I have read everyone's comments and it seems like people are interested to know what my decision was on going back to school. I haven't made the jump yet into another three years of school. There's too much going on right now for me to get my act together to go to school. One day soon...I sure do hope so. The desire is still very much there...everyday...but this semester and even the Fall are not the right times right now. Maybe 2011. Only God knows for sure.

So with that settled, what's going on in my little world? Today, speaking with a friend of mine, I told her that I was trying to get my head on straight. I think that best sums up my current state. I'm a little crooked but I am finding that I'm beginning to straighten up. What I find amazing is that once again, through it all God is walking with each step of the way. Through the last couple of months I have been so glad to have God leading me through this journey. It's amazing how God continues to speak to me through different people and through His Word. I am learning so much about falling in love with God and really wanting to do His will for my life, whatever that may be.

I still don't have all the answers to the things I want to know about why certain situations are the way they are or how they got that way. I don't know what God is teaching me each day, but the more I follow God and truly seek Him, the more I am beginning to be OK with the unanswered questions.

One thing that I know God is teaching me is that what matters most is not what others think, but what God thinks about the things I do or don't do and about how I live my life. As I continue to strive to make choices that please God, I will remind myself everyday that I don't have control over my life...that's for God..and it's His opinion that really matters. I know He thinks I'm pretty cool and has a great plan for my life. Some days that's easier to believe than others, but yet in my heart I know it's true. So, God and I continue walking side by side, everyday, and the things He's revealing to me are absolutely amazing!

To go back to school?...Or not?

2010-01-31T22:23:00.002-06:00

Lately my mind has been thinking about going back to school. Actually this is something I have thought about for quite some time, rather on and off. For the last week or so I have found myself actually looking into schools and considering my options. Why do I want to go back to school? I love what I am doing right now and know that I am definitely doing what God has called me to do. But when I am 60, do I really want to be working with kids? There is also a large part of me that wants to go back to school to further my education and my resources to help children. I really have a desire to help children and families who are going through hard-times. What would I do at school? With one Master's degree, would I get a PhD? No...I don't think so. I think I would like to get a Masters in Christian Counseling. Now the question...where to go to school? That's the hard part. I will not go back to seminary as they are getting rid of that degree so if I go back I will have to find somewhere else to go.

There are several other factors that play into that decision to go back to school. Do I want to start studying again and writing all those papers? Part of me does...but I sure do enjoy just relaxing and reading what I want to. I have been spending a good bit of time in prayer recently on this issue and the desire to go to school is still there. Would I have that desire if it were not from God? I 'm just not so sure on this one.

To be continued.....

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T18:10:00.002-06:00

After almost deciding to stop writing this blog, I decided I wasn't quite ready to give it up just yet. My journey with God isn't over yet...after all..I'm still breathing..so I will continue to write. The subject for today...what are my goals for the new year?

- I really do want to lose weight this year. I have been reading and listening to sermons about how we need to honor our bodies as a place where the Holy Spirit lives and as such, mine needs a little remodeling. So on Tuesday I will start Weight Watchers. We shall see how it goes.

- For a while now I have been wondering what to do with my relationship with God. As things have been back on track for a while, it's now more of a what do I do to continue to grow in knowledge of Christ. I have committed to God to read a Psalm a day and to really reflect on it, slow down when reading, and really take it all in. I want to love that Book and rely on it above all else.

- I heard something today that intrigues me. "God is more concerned about changing us than He is in changing our circumstances." Wow. That hit me right between the eyes. Throughout last year there were many times when I asked God to change my circumstances. Most of the time He didn't but I sure can see how He is changing me through those circumstances. This year as 2010 is here and the first day is almost over, my prayer is God, continue to change me and may I be moldable as clay and submissive to the changes that you bring in me. Maybe I be less-focused on my circumstances, and more focused on seeing you working in my life to bring about what is good."

- There are other things I would like to see happen this year, but above all it's about what God wants anyway, not my plans but His. So, here's to a 2010 full of the faithfulness of a God who always fulfills His promises to us.

The Things I've Learned

2009-11-18T21:04:00.002-06:00

The last couple of weeks have been very challenging to me both personally and professionally. Last week things at work were horrible. I don't ever want to have another week like that again. I felt like I was on a rollercoaster of ups and downs, mostly downs. Is the situation fixed? No. But it is in the process of being worked out. It's rather awkward right now and there are still days I don't want to go to work, but this week those days haven't happened yet. So, it's been a good week.

There was an experience lsat weekend that challenged me both as a minister as a person. We had our Family Worship time and right before it was to happen there was a big blow-up between two of my volunteers. Everything is worked out right now, but I'm questioning if it's time for our Family Worship to take a break. It doesn't seem to be accomplishing the goal that it set out to, which is to bring families together to worship God and have some time for each other. Needless to say, the last two weeks felt like I couldn't catch a break...it was one thing after another. I ended the weekend feeling pretty disappointed and discouraged.

Now, it's Wednesday night and I have had time to evaluate things and learn more about myself from them. Here's what I've figured out. I need to be more assertive. My nature is not to be assertive for fear of creating conflict or confrontation. Yet there has been so many times over the last few weeks that I should have spoken up more for myself. I think if I would have done that from the beginning of a lot of the drama could have been avoided. God is teaching me to forgive again. I listened to a sermon last weekend about the woman caught in adultery and how the men that were going to stone the lady were challenged by Jesus to put down their stones. They did so and walked away, never having thrown a stone. That's my goal at work. To put down my stones and forgive. That's all in God's hands after that. He is the only one who can bring about healing and restoration.

Today I received a book in the mail, Your Perfect Right. It's suppose to help me be more assertive. So I'm honestly going to work on it and make some changes to my life to stand up for myself, make decisions, and stick by them. I also have begun reading a book on Job by Chuck Swindol. It's an awesome book and I am learning so much about Job..his life and all the trials that he experienced. I think maybe, I'm beginning to wrap my mind around the verse "the Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." God gives us all that we have and in His sovereignty can take it all away. Everything that we have is on loan from God. Because of that He can take it away. We don't understand it , but we can rest in knowing the certainty of God's presence and His love.

Stuck on a Bible Verse

2009-10-28T22:34:00.001-05:00

What do you do when you are stuck on trying to understand a certain verse of Scripture? For the last two and a half years as I have come to this place of redefining my relationship with God, I have found the reoccurring verse of Job 1:21 continuing to occupy my thoughts. I have read the book of Job so many times. I have read commentaries on the issue and actually have written a lot of thoughts about the book on paper. I have prayed and asked God for enlightment as to this certain verse in Scripture and I still can't figure it out. Now, there are days when that verse is brought back into my head and then I can dismiss it. Recently, for the past couple of days, I find it more difficult to get it out of my head. The commentaries and study Bibles have come back out and the prayers have started again for insight, but none has been found. So, what do I do now?

Here's the verse:
"I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!"

I get the jest of this verse except for the part "the Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away." How can God take things away? There is a really cool Kutless song related to this verse, and I want to get the true meaning of the song, but I just can't shake this verse. More importantly, I feel like I need to understand this verse to truly understand the character of God. How can a loving God, who is just, Holy, etc..take things away? That's probably the biggest question I have/had throughout all of this and I still don't have any answers. Will I get an answer? Maybe not, but I need to be OK not understanding this verse. For some reason, at this time I'm not and it's driving me to a place that I don't want to go. I'm not going to go backwards.

Father, help me to be OK with not knowing what your Scripture means. Give me insight into that verse in Job, if you choose, but if not help me to rest my mind and my heart in those things that I do believe about you. " Amen.

It's a Slow Day

2009-10-22T16:09:00.002-05:00

It's not often that I post things during the middle of the day. However, today at work is quite slow so I thought I would take a few minutes to update the blog. One thing that God is teaching me is that I need to rely on Him fully and completely, instead of other people. That friendship that I was trying to rebuild is not what I thought it was going to be. I think I have accepted that...at least for today. I can and will continue to work on building a working relationship but the friendship I dont' think will ever be the same. Yesterday afternoon I found myself listening to Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries guy) talk about Letting Go. There was some really good points there that I can use in this new "normal" that seems to exist. I have got to be able to "let go" of that relationship to allow myself to be free to move on...adapt...and look forward to what God is doing in my life.

That is the attitude I have tried to have today. Today was a good day. I have no expectations anymore of keeping that friendship and am going to do the right thing, because it is the right thing to do and that is it. That's all...that's the only reason I have to make the right choices even at times when I feel like I am the only one doing so. So, it is what it is and I am working everyday to accept that.

I have another friend in my life who challenges me to grow in my relationship with Christ and for that I am grateful. I think she's actually quite healthy and I'm amazed at her knowledge and her devotion to doing what God wants from her. So, life continues on. I'm walking with God one step at a time and trusting Him with as much trust as I can for the day I am on.

I'm Trying

2009-09-19T23:45:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, like right now I just want to say

I'M TRYING!!!!!! I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.

There are so many aspects of my life that I could say that about. So, I'll just put it out there for now.

Say Hello to "Ople" or Opal

2009-09-13T21:44:00.002-05:00

Today was a great day! Two of my friends from Kid's Camp came down to lead our Children's Rally and we had a blast! We all decided that we needed camp names and mine is "Ople". For those of you that can't read "Dreds speak" that would be "Opal." I don't know why, but it's pretty funny. Dreds also fixed my guitar today so I am back in business. It felt so good to play today after having been out of commission for a while.

I sure am tired of this rain. I am a sun shine type of girl. There's just something about gray skies and rain day after day after day that kinda drains on my after a while. But, it will end...eventually. This morning at church I noticed something odd going on, but really didn't have time to think about it. Then this afternoon I get a message from our Associate Pastor that something is happening but no details. Then tonight, I go to church and there is this big meeting happening. I'm no wanting to be nosy, but as a minister of church, especially one in charge of kiddos, I feel like I should know what's going on. Maybe it doesn't affect the kids, but what if it does? In other situations at church and in my own life I am ALWAYS the last to know things. I'm not one to pry information out of people so oftentimes I miss things. I guess I don't know when to ask for information and when not to. So, maybe more information will come tomorrow. I just wonder what's going on. I don't want to be the last to know things anymore. I want to feel like I am important enough to know about things when they happen or shortly after. But it is what it is...

On another note, I'm worried about my mom. She fell down some steps at our house last week and is really sore. She can't even get up off the couch to fix supper or do anything. I am hoping and praying that it's nothing serious, but at times like these I wish I was closer to home. My dad had back surgery not long ago, and now Mom might have to go through the same thing. She goes to the doctor then, so until then I will continue to pray. I know that she will be OK, I just wish I knew (a) how bad it was and (b) how I can help. Dad is doing it all and that's usually a pretty crazy thing.

So, as always life is never dull. It continues as usual with it's twists and turns and ups and downs. But hey, God is in control and He's leading the way. Thank the Lord!

I've done some hard things

2009-09-02T22:33:00.002-05:00

Over the last three weeks I have:

-Ended a friendship and dealt with all that entails. The other person was hurt and angry, but I think I handled it well.

-Decided that another relationship is worth saving. I have gone too long with a chip on my shoulder and am taking the steps needed to do what I can to mend the friendship. It's not easy, but I am willing to give it 110%. Everyday I forgive and everyday I ask God to help me. It will be a journey, but one step at a time.

- Found myself falling into the trap of "beating myself up" but talked to God about it and I woke up this morning with a new outlook on things. Last night was pretty low, but after I spent some time talking to my Father, all was good again. That's the first time in a long time that I haven't fallen in the downward spiral of beating myself up again and again.

- I am trying something new at work. We are moving our Family Worship event to Saturday nights, twice a semester. We have some really cool things planned, it will be neat to see it all come together. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a handle on something in my ministry. For a long time, I have felt like I have just been doing good to keep my head above water. Now, I feel like I can swim and get things done.

So, it's been an interesting journey these last three weeks. The biggest thing I've been reminded of the last month is that I can only be in control of myself and that one day I will have to answer to God for my actions and words...not for anyone else's. I need to quit worrying so much about other people and do what I feel is right. God is God and I am not. It's really cool to be able to trust God and know that He is in control.

VBS Week

2009-08-04T22:28:00.002-05:00

Well, the most important week of my ministry is here. This week is Vacation Bible School at our church. I'm in charge of all of the 1st-6th graders and the happenings with them. There is A LOT of planning, details, and praying that goes into this week. Whew...it's kinda crazy right now.

I went into this week a little nervous...my track record with past VBS weeks hasn't been so good. This is my 5th VBS to do and the other four have gone wonderfully but there has also been "happenings" associated with all of them. This year I found myself to be nervous again anticipating what was going to happen this week. So far so good. I have tried soooo hard to make sure that I am doing my part and allowing other people to do theirs. I have tried to take off the "super-hero" cape and let other people help and have input.

It takes a lot of mental energy to make sure that I'm minding my ps and qs. I just don't want a replay of the last four years in any shape, form, or fashion. I have even gone to writing the things I need to remember on a green hairband that I wear around my wrist. I figure, whatever gets the job done, works for me. I am so thankful that so far this year's VBS has been great! It's different this year...different in a good way. I don't know if it's the constant reminder of the words on my wrist, or just that I am at a very different place then I was this time last year, but things are definitely better.

I'm still nervous about tomorrow night and Thursday night, because that is when things have seemed to come to a head in years past. But, I will take whatever comes and deal with it as it comes. After all, God is in control of all of it and He will accomplish His purpose. After all, it's not about me.

Chapter 3: My World Changed Forever

2009-07-15T22:28:00.003-05:00

Once I figured out that God was wanting me to stay in Burleson, I accepted the position of Minister to Children on June 1, 2005. I was so excited about my position and the relationships that I was going to get to make with the children and their families. On June 16th, 2005 a friend of mine's husband was killed in a tragic car accident. This friend was the same one whom was my previous boss when I was an intern at Burleson. Needless to say, it was a life-changing event for me. You may ask why? Was I that close to the family at the time of the accident? No, not really. So why did it affect me so much? I think it was a combination of someone whom I cared about hurting and wondering what God was up to in all of this. I also completely immersed myself into my friend and her kids because I wanted to. That was how I could minister to them.

This event catapulted me into a four year journey of figuring out who God is, my relationship with Him, and how I relate to other people. Those four years included 2 and 1/2 years of counseling and many many hours of talking to people trying to figure out what was going on. There were some low, low times, and there were also some big "Ah Ha" moments. It was by far the hardest journey I have been on in my life. No one else really understands that journey and I'm OK with that. As I have used this blog to chronicle my journey, I have said many times that this "crisis of faith" would have occurred anyway, without the tragic event of my friend's husband passing.

As my many blog entries have followed my journey, I am now at a much healthier place then I was even 6 months ago. God has been with me every step of the way and even though I have tried the best I could to run away, He never left. The coolest thing is that He loves me just as much today as He did four years ago. My relationship with Him looks very different today, it's more realistic and personal. I still don't have the answers I would like nor do I understand everything that I would like to, but I know that God is still God and I most definitely am NOT.

So what does chapter 4 look like? Only God knows. We shall see.

Chapter 2- School Never Ends

2009-06-20T15:22:00.000-05:00

Heading to college at Samford University was a definite adjustment. I immediately joined the band and began to make friendships there that would last a lifetime. After deciding to join a sorority, I found even more friends and began to adjust to college life. My first year was a little rough. The adjustment was definitely evident in my grades my first semester, as I was having entirely too much fun with my friends! But that soon turned around as I learned how to balance my time between studying and hanging out with friends.

In the Spring of my freshman year, my grandfather passed away after a long battle with Alzheimer's. That was a difficult time, yet we were all glad he didn't have to suffer anymore and that he could be in Heaven with his Savior and his lovely wife. I still miss my grandparents and think about them often. Throughout that year I was reminded of God's presence in my life and His guiding me as to my career.

The Fall of my sophomore year, I finally gave in to God's calling on my life to do ministry. The summer before I had worked at a camp in Florida and it was at that camp that I felt God's nudging to Children's Ministry. So, I finally gave up the fight and decided I would go God's way instead of my own.

The next two years, were a whirlwind as I experienced normal college life. Dating, not dating, dating again, gaining friends, losing friends, making new friends. After I graduated from Samford, I knew the next step was to attend seminary. So, in the Fall of 2002 I enrolled at Southwestern with the desire to pursue a master's in Christian Education to go along with God's calling on my life. Seminary was an interesting time. I learned a lot about myself and found myself making lots of new friends and exploring more about my faith. There was a time in my three years at Southwestern that I was tired of all the "God stuff" but unlike my time in high school, I stuck with it and got involved in a group at my church that encouraged me along the way. Seminary was difficult, fun, but difficult. In January of 2005 I began to apply for Children's Minister positions throughout the Southeast to be closer to home. I went for several interviews, but was uneasy about all of them. At the same time, the church were I was currently an intern had decided to split the Children's Minister position into a Preschool Minister and Children's Minister. My boss decided she wanted to take the Preschool Minister position because that was where her kids were at the time and she felt she could have greater influence in that area. So, the Children's Minister position was open. However, I still wanted to get closer to home, but I did apply for the position at my church. For 5 months I wondered what God was up to. I wanted to get closer to home, but God had other ideas.

What's Next

2009-06-17T20:16:00.003-05:00

Now that I've actually "gotten to the porch" in my relationship with God, what am I going to blog about now. I thought I would share my story on my blog. All of it, not just bits and pieces. I want to put the whole story together for me to see the way God has worked through it all and to possibly help some of you who are going through the same situation that I was.

So here's Chapter 1

Growing up in a Christian home with wonderful Christian parents, I have had the best upbringing possible. Everyday I am thankful to God for my family and the influence they have had and continue to have on my life.

When I was 9 years old I made the decision to accept Christ as my Lord and Savior. At that time, I understood the limited amount of knowledge a 9 year old can understand about who God is. Basically, I knew that Jesus died on the cross for me and I wanted to go to Heaven when I died. So, I did what I knew to be right at that time. It wasn't until 6 years later that I would have a better understanding of that decision.

Fast forward to my freshman year of high school. Throughout my school years I was known as the "good girl." I was the girl who never drank, smoke, cussed, or really thought bad about anyone. I seemed to have it all together. I thought so too, until I got tired of wearing that label. One day, as I was in the fall of my freshman year, I decided to change my label. I found friends that were very different than me. These friends smoked, cussed, and who knows what else. I thought they would be perfect for me to hang out with, just to get rid of that hated label. After all, who really wants to hang out with a "good girl?"

So for a season of time I hung out with those "friends." I talked like they did and dressed like them, flannel shirts and jeans, even in the summer. What was I thinking? Life continued on and I was drifting farther and farther away from God and my "good girl" label. I was tired of going to church and decided that as long as I did certain things, that seemed "normal" then no one would expect any different. I think my parents weren't fooled at all. I never went as far as participating in the activities that they did, though I came awfully close one time. It seemed that just being around them was enough for me.

I never will forget the day it all changed. I was walking into band class with those same friends when another friend approached me. She and I had grown quite decent from one another because of my choice in my current friendships. She was a "good girl" too and I didn't want to have anything to do with that. As she approached me that day, I could tell something was up. She told me words I will never forget. "Laura, you have to choose between them or me. What's your choice?" At that time I didn't know what to say. However, in the next month or so that followed I found myself on my knees before God asking Him for forgiveness and receiving the grace that He so freely gives us. I spent many hours in my youth minister's office talking to him and telling him of my struggle. It was after a long, hard, battle with myself that I made the decision to recommitment my life to Christ. So at the age of 15 I decided that I didn't care what label people out on me. I was a child of God, and that was a label I am proud to wear.

Chapter 2 to appear soon-School never ends

On the Porch

2009-05-05T23:39:00.002-05:00

Wow, writing that title is scary enough in and of itself. To make a long story short, I was told last Tuesday by my counselor that I have reached the porch. What the crap?!? That thought is terrifying some days...actually most days, but even though it doesn't feel like it, I am taking him at his word. So, Tuesday I was told I was on the porch. Late Tuesday night I received a phone call from a lady at our Christian Women's Job Corp asking me if I would share my testimony the next morning. I asked her how long I would need to speak for (thinking about 15 minutes) and she said an hour. Whoa...what in the world? What am I going to tell these ladies for an hour? Anyway, I told them my story. Not just how I became a Christian, but where I am at right now in my relationship with God. That was the first time I had ever told anyone my story other than my close friends. I wanted to share my story with these ladies to offer them some glimpse of hope in their own lives. So, I ended up talking for 45 minutes and did an OK job. I felt like that was a pretty big step in my relationship with God to tell people my story.

Fast forward to Saturday. Our city hosted a concert where Francis Chan, Kirk Cameron, David Crowder, and Chris Tomlin performed. It was rainy and cold, but well worth it. As Francis was speaking I realized that I was holding on so tightly to the need to be in control that I was scared to let God actually do what He does. After listening to Francis and a little Chris Tomlin, I was moved to tears to let go of my need to control things and give it to God. I wrote down what I surrendered on my commitment card and I also wrote that I committed to fall in love with God all over again. That's a HUGE thing! I think the porch is a place where God and I can hang out and I can love Him again. I want to love God like I see other people loving God. I wan to love God as He is the most important part of my life and that He is a part of everything I do.

So, now I only email my counselor if I need to come in. That's kinda scary too, but I've got some great friends and a great God who will help me each and every day. Will the days be easy? Heck no. But I'm still taking things one day at a time...trusting God with what I have for that day...and that is enough.

Where in the World is Smitty?

2009-03-23T22:27:00.004-05:00

Wow...it's been a while. I have missed blogging. Life has been a little busy as usual, but I should have still found time to blog.

So what's been going on lately you ask? Well, things are pretty much the same with work and such. God has challenged me in SOOOO many ways over the last month and continues to challenge me everyday. Here are some of what I have learned:

1. God is still on the porch and I am not. This past Sunday at church, I was put in a similar situation that I was in at Children's Camp. At that time, I was asked to picture God in a chair in the same room with me and I ran out of the room. Yesterday, I was talking with the kids about questions they have for God and things they didn't understand. There was a stool next to me and I asked the kids "if God were sitting right here, what would you want to ask Him?" They had some really good questions. During their questions, I found myself very nervous with the idea of God sitting next to me. What in the world!! I thought I was past that. It was/is a huge bump in the road. But I'm trying to pick myself back up and keep going.

2. I have been reminded that friendships are hard and sometimes hurtful...not necessarily in a bad way. Over the last month I have established a great friendship and am so thankful for that. Yet, sometimes, it's SOOO hard. Other friendships have changed or have taken on a totally different dynamic and that saddens me a great deal. Yet through all of these changes I know that God will bring people into my life and is always with me, even in the midst of difficult relationships.

3. Patience, in every sense of the word. There are situations in my life where all I can do is be patient and rely on Him. I guess that means to trust Him. Easier said than done most days. I just don't understand what He is up to. There's so much going on in my head and in my life that all I can do is keep my head above water one day at a time.

I am concerned too that my blog has become a place where I must filter everything I say and write because of all the people who read here. It's taking way to much effort to post something that doesn't offend people even if it's how I'm feeling or not. I wonder if I should just stop blogging. I do enjoy the comments from others, so I'm not quite sure.

Oh my...what a crazy month it's been.

Getting Life Back Together

2009-02-11T23:12:00.003-06:00

The last couple of days have been difficult to say the least. I have made more people mad then I care to remember. I have worked out a couple of those things that I did to make them so mad. Yet, I still have some more to go. I did something today that I wish to NEVER EVER do again. It's not important what I did, just that I am so thankful God always forgives, time and time again. That's the most comforting thought for today.

I'm trying to figure out the best way to balance my time between my friends. That's a challenge in itself. I want both friends to feel equally respected and valued by me and my concern is that right now, I'm being rather one-sided. I would never want to do that.

There's just a lot going on right now, but I have decided that after two days of being grouchy, distant, frustrated, and feeling like I was floundering in the ocean, I have decided to get my life back together. God is the only one who can help me with that. I realized tonight that no one has control over what I do, say, and feel except me. They don't get that privilege. So, it's time to get my life back together and stop being such a butt-head. I'm tired of it. I want the old Laura to come back.

That was my prayer tonight. God, help me to enjoy life, enjoy my friends, and let go of some things so they do not control me. So, we shall see what happens next.

Compliment and Courage

2009-01-28T11:09:00.002-06:00

Last week I received a wonderful compliment from one of the ladies in the office. Let me set the scene for you. We had Bible Study on Tuesday night and this lady asked me if I would pray in our group. I said that I would and preceded to do so, not giving it another thought. The next day, she said "Laura, I love hearing you pray." I asked her "Why" and she said "because it's like God is sitting across the table from you and you are talking to Him as a friend." Have mercy!!! I'm never been told that before. My reaction to her was to tell her that my prayer life was a work in progress and this honesty in praying was something new to me. She told me not to change it.

Wow...that conversation has stuck with me since then. It feels good to be walking on the path toward the porch. I may not be there yet, not sure what it will look like when I get there, but I am on my way.

One thing I am asking God for is the courage to continue down the path and courage to step out of my comfort zone a little, set boundaries, and be honest with others. One of the most difficult part of this journey with God is that He constantly reminds me to depend on Him and only on Him. He has brought people into my life to support me, love me, and encourage me along the way, yet they are just people. They will fail me at one time or another. God is the only constant in my life and the only one who I can really tell everything to. That's been an interesting, sometimes scary journey...telling everything to God. Realizing that He is the only one I can tell EVERYTHING to. Yet, that's what He wants from me. I may not get the answers I want or have the audible voice that I would have with a friend but He always listens. Courage...keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust God for today in-spite of what may come. That's a daily battle, but I will keep fighting.

What in the World

2009-01-14T22:22:00.002-06:00

That's what I've been saying for the last couple of days. In the last day I have begun to develop a friendship with someone who I think I can really reach out to. She has a very difficult past and is determined to rebuild her life. I applaud her for her determination and her toughness. She wants to build a better life for her and her son. For some reason, at this point in time God has put her in my life. I don't understand why. But I really think I can help her. The problem is that when friendships like this occur, I tend to get very out of balance with those friendships. My strong desire to help people tends to outweigh my necessity to look out for myself. In doing this time and time again, I have gotten hurt time and time again and quite frankly it sucks. She is fearful of getting hurt in one way and I find myself somewhat guarded in my friendship with her. I want to help her in any way I can, but I don't want that to bite me in the butt later. She is so hesitant to reach out to anyone...to build a relationship with anyone that I don't want to hurt her. But I am fearful that one day I will do that. However, based on my journey with God and where I am at in that journey, I think I can help her with hers....even though they look very different.

Things are just so upside-down right now. Last night I attended the 2nd week of my Bible study on Boundaries. I know this friendship will give me a great opportunity to practice those boundaries. But, it scares me to death. I don't want to change who I am, but yet part of me feels like I need to. I just don't know anymore. Based on what I have learned so far, I don't have very good boundaries. I actually already knew that...hence why I'm taking the class. But seeing it on paper is something different.

I always find myself asking, "how does this all relate to God?" I think God is teaching me things, I just can't quite figure out what it is. God is God. I am not. He loves me and is always with me whether I'm upside-down or right-side up. That much I have figured out. I don't know what He's up to right now. This is where it gets hard to trust...when I can't see what is in front of me nor do I know what path I am on. Yet He's in control and I need to rest in that. But, man, that's so hard to do.

It's Different This Time

2009-01-11T22:04:00.002-06:00

Tonight was our first Bible study at my home after the Christmas break. It was different this time. I found myself among people who experience the same struggles that I have/had. We talked about a common struggle we have with prayer. The difference was that instead of just listening to people talk about it, I actually participated in the discussion and shared a little bit of what my prayer life looks like now. I enjoyed being able to do that. I was cautious in what I said, but at least I participated.

Speaking of my prayer life, it's different now too. I am still finding myself being honest with God, but it still feels as if there is a barrier between God and I and I have no idea why. Yes, I have told Him that and still don't have an answer. Part of me wonders if I am being as honest with God as I need to be. I think there are probably some things that I'm not telling God but I can't put those thoughts/emotions into words. Do any of ya'll have experience with this? If so, suggestions on how I could figure out what's going on would be greatly appreciated.

I am attending a Bible study on Tuesday nights with several older ladies from our church. It's a study on Boundaries and I think it will be very helpful to not only learn from these women, but establish healthy boundaries as well. Normally, I would never have thought about going to this Bible study, but it's different this time.

So maybe things are starting to look up...maybe a little bit more together. I'm trying very hard to not worry so much, because God is always with me and He's in control. So, why should I worry?

We shall see where this all goes. it's just different this time.

What Page Am I On?

2009-01-04T22:24:00.001-06:00

The last few weeks have been interesting. Having a much slower schedule than at any other time during the year, has afforded me lots of time to think and process things. I was asked earlier tonight if I could explain what pages I am on in my journey to better understand God and how He works. A month or so ago I came to the realization that no one is going to completely understand my struggle. That’s impossible. However, living in that knowledge is something totally different. The last two weeks or so, I have been living in that reality. It’s opened my eyes to several different things. The other day I got a new Bible…not that I needed one, but I have wanted a different version for a while. On the front of the Bible I had engraved 1 Chronicles 16:11. I have quoted that verse many times to myself throughout the last couple of weeks. :”Search for the Lord and his strength, continually seek Him.” This doesn’t say look to my friends or look to myself, or look to anybody else, except the Lord. That’s so difficult for me to do. The last two weeks, I’ve tried very hard to just seek the Lord because there haven’t been people around for me to talk to. It’s actually turned out OK.

I realized that no one completely understands what’s going on except for God. He gets it. Even though I can’t hear Him and get the immediate response from Him like I can from people whom I talk to, He understands.

Here’s another thought. For some odd reason, I think that I make more progress in processing things when I keep them to myself instead of talking to others. When I talk to others I feel like I am just going in circles and I know that people get frustrated in hearing the same things over and over and over. I was told a couple of weeks ago in not so many words that I was preventing a dear friend of mine from moving forward in her own journey. Ouch. Those words hurt but once I recovered from the shock and thought about the comment that she made, that was a true statement that kicked me in my butt. That’s also the last thing I wanted to do. I don’t want to inhibit anyone else’s progress in their own spiritual journey. So with that statement I made the decision to work on relying on God more rather than on other people.

I’m still not sure how all this is going to turn out. Everyday I have to remind myself of 1 Chronicles 16:11. I guess that’s something else my blue bracelet reminds me of. God gets it, even when no one else does.

It's almost 2009...Crazy!!

2008-12-31T18:16:00.002-06:00

I can't believe that 2009 will be here in just a few short hours. Last year I made the decision to not make any resolutions...I didn't want to set myself up for failure. I couldn't take that at that point in time. This year...tonight...I am making some goals..not resolutions but just things I want to accomplish this year. If I don't get them done, that's OK. But I'm going to try.

- Journal more often. While I consider my blog to be like a journal, it's not the same as journaling in my own handwriting and with just my eyes reading the words on the page. Since I have begun to wear my blue bracelet to remind myself to talk to God everyday, I have found that when I journal my thoughts and prayers it helps my frame of mind.

- Be more outgoing in making friends and keeping friendships. I tend to gravitate towards just a few people at certain times. While I don't think that will change, I do need to increase my circle of friends...friends my own age and at my stage in life.

- A house? Maybe

- Trust God everyday, with the little things and the big things. Be OK with the amount of trust I do have in God, but always strive for a deeper relationship with Him. I wonder if I can get to where I spend time with Him everyday without having nervous feelings?

- Take better care of myself. Get more rest and exercise more. I need to eat healthier by making better choices about what I eat.

- Don't be scared to try new things and step out of my comfort zone in my personal life and in my ministry.

So I guess that's it for my goals for 2009. I'm going to try my best and accomplish these things. I think the most important is to continue to work on my relationship with my Father and in the process I think the other things will come eventually.

I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed 2009! Thank you for another year of reading and walking with me on this journey.

At a Lost for Words

2008-12-15T22:28:00.002-06:00

That's a first huh? Too bad I wasn't talking about my blog. Here's what I don't understand...why is it so hard to explain my thought processes to people? So many times each day I have to tell myself that the only one who completely understands my struggle is God. No one else gets it nor should I expect them too. Most days I am OK with that yet I still wonder what it would be like if someone did completely understand. I don't really want them to, as I have said before. So, I'm quite twisted in my thinking. I think in some ways, over the last three weeks, I have become more guarded and quite about my struggle and my relationship with God. If people aren't going to understand, then what's the point in talking to them about it? Yet maybe the goal isn't to get people to understand. Maybe the goal is to have someone to walk with me on the journey. God walks with me every step of the way, even when I don't want Him to. I really am trying to let that be enough. God understands and that's what I have to go on each and every day. One day I will get to a place where I am cool with that and I won't expect anyone to understand...it's just a slow process.

Every day it takes work...but I'm not going to give up. I just need to find the balance between sharing my faith journey with others realizing that they won't completely understand and relying on God to walk me through.

Christmas is Different This Year

2008-12-15T21:50:00.003-06:00

Last night I attended a wonderful Christmas program at a church in the area. At this concert, the guest singer told us of a ministry he had founded that reaches out to children whose parent(s) are in prison or those who are falling behind in school. Normally, I would have just thought "this man is doing a good thing for others. Good for him." I would have then gone about my regular business of the night. However, last night was different.

You see, in March my music minister back home was charged with sexual abuse and misconduct with a minor in a previous church. This was a shock to everyone and totally threw me for a loop. He was a great guy who had a wonderful wife and two adorable children. No one would have ever suspected any of this. Very long story short, he was found guilty and is spending the next two Christmases in a prison in Maryland, thousands of miles away from his family. Because of his one wrong choice, he is now living the consequences of that choice. Christmas will be different this year for him, his wife, and his kids.

I think the strangest part of all of this is that his children are now in that statistic of "children who's parent(s) are in prison." That was hard to come to terms with last night. It just is so completely UNFAIR. I HATE IT!!!! This will be their first Christmas without dad around and I know it won't be easy. But I also know that someway, somehow God will see them through this Christmas and the one to follow.

Which brings up a whole different, yet somewhat related issue, these kids will see their father again. Yes, they will have a long road of healing ahead of them, but they will see him again here on this earth. What about my friend whose kids won't spend another Christmas with their dad? That still sucks and always will. I wonder which is more difficult to work through..the incarceration of a parent or the death of a parent. In some ways I think they are similar, both dealing with the loss of a parent, in other ways they are completely different.

Christmas is different this year and I pray to God that He will help them through.

Things are about to get interesting

2008-12-03T22:34:00.002-06:00

When people tell you about their blog are you responsible to tell them about yours? I have two people, one who knows me well and the other whom I am beginning to get know, who have told me about their blogs. I have read them and wonder if I should tell them about mine? If I do, that opens up a whole world of things. I would have to explain more and they would have access to other people's blogs. I'm just not so sure about that. So, I'm following one of those blogs anonymously. We shall see how that all plays out.

I have started reading another book: Believing God by Beth Moore. I have done this Bible study twice but I have never read the book. Today I got to the part where she asked us to make a commitment to stick with this redefining my "believing God" way of living for 9 weeks. A part of this is doing something that alters the way I do things everyday...becoming more focused on who God is and what He is doing in my life. So, I've decided that for nine weeks, I am going to write in my journal (not my blog) one honest prayer to God everyday. I shall see how that goes. She also uses verses in Scripture, Numbers 15:37-41 which refers to wearing a blue cord to remember all that God has done for me and to remind me of this commitment I have made. So today, I bought some ribbon and a friend of mine put it on for me, so here I go.

Yesterday I talked with my counselor some more about this whole "all or nothing" mentality that I can't seem to shake. He reminded me to look for little ways that God is working even when I get frustrated with situations where I immediately question Him. He seems to think that will help me not getting so frustrated at God and remind me that God is still God and still loving even if the situation doesn't give evidence to that. It also goes with that whole being thankful thing. The list is over, but I learned some things about God through the exercise. He also has read half of The Shack and he really likes it. He said that he understands why I identify so much with that book and why reading it and hearing the author was so impactful for me. I still can't get that book out of my head.

About three days ago I found a good friend of mine on Facebook. This is a friend who was a mentor to me during college and...thanks to Facebook chat...was able to talk to her about some of what's going on in my life. She lives in Georgia and it was nice to talk to someone who has no ties to Texas. She wants me to email her sometime this week and continue the conversation with her. I think I will do that.

I still seem to have a chip on my shoulder that I can't quite shake. I still am a little jaded when people talk about God in..what seems to me to be flippant. However, that's where they are in their faith. I'm not there and I need to be OK with where they are at. I'll get there...it's just slow. I think some of "the chip" is directed at God. I'm not sure why, but things still aren't great. They are still unsettled in that regards. Maybe I'll have some clarity in these next 9 weeks.

So, I feel like my life is about to get interesting with all that is going on. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be interesting to see what's in store.

I think I can...I think I can

2008-12-01T22:46:00.007-06:00

God is in control...trust God with the amount of trust I have for today....God is in control...Trust God with the amount of trust I have for today...God is in control...etc...

Convincing myself of that today. God is in control, even if I don't get it. God loves me and is with me even though I don't get that either.

The Christmas decorations are up. This is the earliest I've ever put up my decorations. I'm hoping they will help me to get in the Christmas spirit. We shall see. Here's a picture of the manger scene in my apartment. It's my favorite pieces of my decorations. My mom and I spent many hours painting and glazing the stable. I'm pretty proud of it!

I'm sure there were things that Mary and Joseph didn't understand, but they knew God was in control. And they were able to rest in that...why can't I?

Hum......

2008-11-17T21:41:00.002-06:00

Not knowing what to say sucks. I shall see what comes out.

The Thankful list is getting difficult. I do have to be intentional about what I look for each day to be thankful for. In all honesty, it's not easy to be thankful right now. I feel like things just aren't going quite right. I don't know what's going on. Last night we had rehearsal for FX and it completely bombed. It was horrible! However, I know that by Wednesday night, it will all go together. Which I am thankful to God for. I have also been reminded during this week of Operation Christmas Child that there are so many other people in the world that have more significant problems then I do. So, I just need to get over all of this and trust God with it all.

That's what I hear people saying to me and what I am telling myself. This is where the second part of my homework comes in. Each day I have to tell myself to take the small amount of trust I have in God for that day and let that be enough. So, that requires a lot of hard work but I'm going to give it a shot. I'm still not at the porch but maybe this is a step to get there.

I think I need to challenge myself a bit. I don't know what tomorrow has in store but I do know that God is with me and that will have to be enough.

Also, after talking with a good friend on Friday, I was once again reminded that no one is completely going to understand. God is the only one who will completely understand and He wants me to come to Him instead of seeking other people to "get it." They won't...there's no need in spending all my effort in telling them my story in hopes that they understand.

I think there will be some changes coming...I'm not exactly sure what those are, but I just feel like something must change. We shall see.

God is in control, God is in control, God is in control....

Wallets and What?

2008-11-11T22:02:00.003-06:00

This past Sunday at church, a parent, whom I have a great amount of respect for, came into our large meeting space with her son in tow. She was a little early, due to the fact that she was helping me lead the Sunday school at both hours. When she and her son entered the room, he had been looking for his wallet. This is how the conversation played out:

Son: "Mom, I want a soda out of the machine. I really wish I could find my wallet."

Mom (opening up her purse): I know dear...oh look...here it is! This was a total "God-thing."

Son: Wow Mom! I thought you already looked in there.

Mom: I did and it wasn't there. (To me): Laura, look how God put this wallet in my purse right on top for me to find. Isn't that something?

Laura: That's really cool.

Ok...so that's more or less the conversation. Do I think God really put the wallet there? No. I didn't see a wallet float through the air nor do I think it magically appeared in her purse. I really don't think that God cares all that much about whether or not the child lost his wallet. He may care, but I don't think it will occupy much of His time. Rather, maybe there are other things that God wants this child to learn through the experience of losing something precious to him.

This goes back to a post I wrote a long time ago about "sunshine theology." I just don't think God cares about parking spots at Walmart, lost wallets, or any other trivial thing in our day to day lives. Then again what does He care about? I know He cares about me, so wouldn't He care about the things I am concerned about?

I tried very hard on Sunday to be gracious to this person and not let the frustrated of what she said get to me. I think I did OK with that, however it still rolls around in my head. This is someone who has had a struggle in her life that I'm quite certain has caused her to redefine her faith and yet, she has this "happy clappy" mentality about God and His relationship with her. That doesn't make any sense to me.

Hum...I'm not sure what to make of all of this. Before this, I even thought about having coffee with her one evening soon and sharing with her some of my struggle (not this blog though) because she might be someone who can relate. But now, I'm not so sure.

Second Guessing Myself

2008-11-10T21:59:00.003-06:00

Do you ever have those times when you second guess a decision you have made because of the ramifications that decision may have not only on yourself but on others as well?

Tonight, that's where I find myself. I took a risk by letting someone into my journey and now I wonder if it was the right thing to do. Last night I was privileged to speak with a young lady about her on struggles with God and I was able to give her some advice and encouragement based on my own struggle and the things that God has taught me thus far. That was a moment when I could see the good coming from my struggle. So, my desire is to help other people in their journeys and let them into my life to learn things from them and of their own life journeys.

So, it was with that desire that I let someone into my struggle by telling them about this blog. I did so for various reasons, but one was because I felt it necessary to let this person into my life...to see the real Laura. There is only a select few of people in my life that know about this blog, and I wanted to expand that circle just by one person. However, now I am regretting that decision. I may have put another friendship in danger by allowing this other person to have access to these posts. I would never want to do that and I had no intention of doing so. It never crossed my mind that because we have a common friend in this person that my friend who links her blog to mine might not want this other person in my life reading her blog.

As I think about what I have done it seems like a no win situation. I try to let somebody into my life, and it backfires...causing me to second guess my decision. I can't take it back now, what's done is done. I'm just worried about the ramifications of that decision. Not only am I opening myself up for more questions and more thoughts, but I wonder if I have damaged a dear friendship as well.

I'm not sure what to do next. I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth the risk to let other people in. I'm not so sure.

On My Own

2008-11-05T22:02:00.002-06:00

Warning: This post is not intended to offend anyone in anyway. Nor is it meant to be prideful or arrogant.

If you are still reading, OK. Know that I am using this post to sort things out so it may be rather random and not very fluid. Today, I finally settled on the fact that my struggle is unique to me and while people may understand somewhat, they will not understand completely. I wouldn't want them to understand completely because they would have to have the same struggle that I have had and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. The Catch-22 is when I talk with people and share with them my struggles they don't understand and I get frustrated at them. Which isn't fair to those individuals who are doing the best they can to offer advice and suggestions to help me in my situation, whatever that may be. Realizing that people aren't fully going to understand, I don't need to be frustrated at them when they just "don't get it." So, with this realization I also realize that the only "person" who completely understands is God and that's all that should matter. I think one of the keys to not being so frustrated with other people when they don't "get it" is making a conscious effort to remind myself that God completely understands. He "gets it." I also need to remember the value that I have found in talking with other people regarding my struggle. They might not completely understand but they do offer great words of wisdom and that is priceless to me.

I'm not sure how all of this plays into my quest to "get closer to the porch" but I do know that it will change the way I interact with people. It might in some twisted way make it easier for me to talk to people and share my own experiences. Maybe not having the expectation that people will/should understand will enable that to happen. Who knows?

Also, a large part of me keeps thinking about going back to school. There's something very special to me about helping children and their families work through difficult situations and help them rebuild their family. There are pros and cons to the decision to go back to school. I'll keep praying on that one. It's just been in the forefront of my mind in the last few days.

And so it goes...

Thoughts Running Through My Mind

2008-11-04T22:23:00.003-06:00

My struggle was/is necessary

My struggle would have happened even without the traumatic event. The event was just a catalyst that threw me into the struggle rather then introducing it to me gradually as would have happened without the event.

The only thing for certain in life is the character of God.

In my thankful list (3-4 things per day) I am now to consider the character of God in relation to my list. The gifts given tell a lot about the giver. For example, I'm not going to put that I am thankful for something bad that happens. So, is it possible that God's character isn't about bringing trouble upon people?

I am an all or nothing person. To me this whole trusting God is either all or nothing. Either I trust Him or I don't. That's a skewed way of thinking. Rather perhaps it should be that for today I trust God with the very small amount of trust that I have. I need to make the conscious effort to not be "all or nothing."

At the times that verses, songs, books, or spoken words cause my struggle to bubble back up, that doesn't mean I'm not making progress. It simply means that I have questions and that needs to be OK. I don't have to drag myself back through the mud every time the struggle reappears.

I have realized that no one is going to completely understand my struggle. God understands and that will have to be enough. I need to quit expecting other people to understand. Part of me wouldn't want them to.

I tend to gravitate toward those who have struggled or are struggling and to verses that talk about struggle. I think that's because they've been through the fire and have come out the other side. People who have a more "happy clappy" faith frustrate me, but I must remember that that is where they are in their relationship with Christ.

Thinking of God as "Papa", having that sort of intimate relationship with Him would be nice I think. There's something attractive to me about that kind of relationship. Not a big black woman who cooks, but just a Daddy who loves me and I trust Him.

And I wonder why I have a hard time concentrating on anything else?

Listening to a story of grace

2008-11-03T22:44:00.003-06:00

Today I had the privilege of hearing the author of The Shack, W. Paul Young, speak to a group of high school students and I was allowed to listen in. I have read The Shack twice so I am pretty familiar with the imagery and the analogies used in the book. When I read books such as The Shack, I always wonder what brought the author to write such a book. That question along with many others were answered today. If you haven't read the book, I strongly recommend reading it and reading it again.

So, I am still processing a lot of what was said today but I left feeling perplexed and somewhat encouraged at the same time. Young stated" that the only thing that is true in life is the character of God." I believe that, I really do. That's why I am trying to figure out the character of God. Yet in trying to "figure out God" the mystery of God is gone and what would the need for faith be?

Thought #2- God allows bad things to happen. I can get that too. I've gone around and around and around on the issue so I now can say that I believe God allows bad things to happen. It's the why I don't quite get. We will never know the why behind that. Young pointed out today that when God allows bad things to happen, He has the ability to bring good out of those bad things. With that being said, does God allow bad things to happen so He can bring good out of them? And, is it possible that God can bring good from all bad situations? I'm not saying that horrible situations are good...I will NEVER say that, but I wonder if it's possible that God brings good out of all those situations. But I think we have to let Him work in those situations and not shut him out.

Thought #3- It's all about relationship, not trying to figure everything out. God wants a relationship with me that isn't based on me having it all figured out. I think it's based on trusting Him with the small amount of trust I have and building from there. Throughout the Shack, Mac never gets belittled or fussed at for questioning God or for trying to "figure it all out." He's just encouraged to keep trying..keep pursuing a relationship with Papa.

It is encouraging to me to hear about others struggles and how God has brought them through. I honestly don't think that ANYONE really understands my struggle. Sometimes I get tired of trying to make them understand and see where I am coming from. So, that attributes to the loneliness. But Mac seems to be like me in a lot of ways and in that I find comfort.

More thoughts to come... Papa...what a nice thought

TV Shows Ruined and a re-read of the Shack

2008-10-31T22:43:00.003-05:00

Why is it that two of the best shows on TV, Grey's Anatomy and House have to incorporate some sort of homosexual agenda into their shows? Is that really necessary to keep the people watching the shows and keep the ratings up? It just frustrates me. When I was in high school and college, they did that with ER too. What's the purpose? I guess it's to be all inclusive of all types of people, so no one can say that those networks are prejudice. Whatever.

So, this weekend I have been reading the Shack for a second time. I have the privilege of going to hear the author this coming Monday morning and I wanted to read it again before I hear him speak. It's very interesting to read it a second time around after I have found myself in a different place then I was the first time I read it. For example the quote "honesty is messy" means something very different to me now than it did the first time I read it. When I read that sentence the first time, it was more of a "what to expect" kinda thing....that when I choose to be honest with God it will be messy. Now, it's a "been there done that" mentality and yes, it is extremely messy.

Yet there are other ways that I can see myself in the character of Mac. in his questions and his inability to trust God because he didn't understand how God worked and where He was and who He was when his daughter was murdered. Lack of trust seems to be the running theme in this novel. So, while some things are different, seen from a different perspective, some things are still the same the second time around.

Verses that Blow My Mind

2008-10-27T21:43:00.002-05:00

Do you ever have those moments where something takes you back to your struggles...to those things you just don't understand? It happened to me last night and I'm still having a hard time navigating past it. Last night at Bible study I knew what the topic was going to be and I knew it wouldn't be easy. It was on storms of life and how to navigate through those storms. We have been talking about Noah and last night we talked about how most people's idea of the flood is a sweet children's story when in reality it was actually much worse than that. Anyway during the study we read several Scripture passages but two imparticular caught my attention.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2

I can't wrap my mind around these two verses. I don't buy them. How can anyway rejoice in their sufferings or consider it pure joy when they face trials? What the crap!!! I have tried looking at these verses from different angles but whatever way I look at them I always come back to the bottom line of what the words say. Do they actually mean that we are to rejoice as we suffer? I am trying not to read too much into the text, so I feel like the words on the page are telling me that I should rejoice in the suffering and in the trials because they are developing perseverance. To that I say....CRAP..there are other ways to learn perseverance surely then that.

Those passage as well as others just don't make sense to me. How can other people rest on what they read in Scripture and yet I still question it?

Things like this cause the hamsters to run. It makes me realize how far I still have to go. Why can't I just accept things as they are without having to be so damn analytical about everything?

Always Something

2008-10-22T21:59:00.002-05:00

Whew...what a whirl-wind week it's been. Now at 10 o'clock tonight, everything has slowed down. It's nice to just sit here and type and watch TV, enjoying a few moments before bed. I've been asking myself lately why things are always happening in my life. Why can't things just go along nice and easy without so much complication? I think I make my life more complicated then it has to be. I have always been amazed at those people who can just take things as they are and go with that without having to analyze every stinking thing. It frustrates me so much that I do that.

So, after a helpful counseling session last Tuesday things at work are looking better. Great? No, but better. I am just trying to role with things as they are and do my job the best I can and support others as they do theirs. As far as the guy situation goes, we have been out a couple more times. We are taking things really slow which is nice. Usually I tend to get over-excited about a relationship and jump in with both feet. But this time, I am going slower and am not basing everything I do on that relationship. If something happens great, if not then that's OK too.

This whole school thing...I'm not sure what to do there. Part of me really wants to go back to school and get a Master's degree in counseling, but the other part of me doesn't want to read and write all those papers again. I don't think I want to go back to the same school where I got my other Master's, too much going on there. I think I would like to try somewhere different.

Life is just complicated right now. I can't even communicate all the complexities in this post. I'm still quite unsettled.

What's up with God? Well, I have taken a different direction in my prayers. Instead of focusing on my struggles when I pray I am focusing on what I am thankful for. Everyday I have to write down three to four things for which I am thankful. It's going well...right now that's not too hard to do, but I have a feeing that will change. It's hard to make a list everyday for three weeks and not repeat anything on the list. It still feels weird when I pray. I guess it just feels like empty words. I just feel very unworthy to be in the presence of God and don't really know what to say to Him.

My life...never boring...that's for sure

Jibberish

2008-10-08T20:43:00.004-05:00

The past few days my head has been full. Things are just different right now. It's very difficult to put into words. I feel that I am challenging myself on a lot of things.
- Praying to God and reading Scripture when no one is there to ask me how it is going
- Growing in who I am as an employee and a minister
- Discovering more of my short comings and trying not to beat myself up over them

Those things are incredibly difficult for me to do. I have noticed an interesting trend however. It seems that when the connection line with God is broken off (prayer) there is a disconnect everywhere else too. There has been and continues to be a large unsettledness in my spirit right now. I feel like the majority of it is because I'm not spending time with God at all. For some reason it's difficult to do the things mentioned above when there is no one holding you accountable for those things. It's extremely hard to get back into the habit of spending time with God when it hasn't been done in so long and when I do spend time with Him it feels as if I am getting no where. So, part of me wonders why I would keep talking to God and keep reading Scripture when I feel like I am getting no closer to home. Then, I remember where I was when I couldn't even be in the same room with God and I see that there has been some significant progress made.

Why do I feel like I need someone to hold me accountable to spending some time with God? I think it's because I am not in the habit of doing so and it's extremely hard to do most days. I'm not talking about a "quiet time" just a prayer or a short Scripture passage would be progress.

What's up with the whole church thing? Ministry is hard. Whoever thinks differently is not doing it right. It's hard, no impossible, to meet everyone's demands and be all things to all people. I seem to have the opinion and I know I feel like I am not respected at work and that I'm not as important as everyone else. This past week I have been comparing myself to the other ministers, those who have been there the same about of time I have or those who haven't been there as long, I find that they seem to get more respect from the co-workers then I do. There are lots of variables that play into this, but it is what it is. Sometimes I just want to scream "I'M NOT STUPID. I HAVE A MASTER'S DEGREE TOO." I don't even think it has so much to do with my degree as it does with just me the person. I'm not really sure what all is going on there but hopefully things will improve.

I've also been on two dates in the past 5 days which has been nice. A little nerve-racking but nice. We shall see what happens. Oh and those dates were with two different guys.

So, there's a lot of unrest in Laura's life. I know I should keep putting one foot in front of the other but right now it feels like I'm stuck.

New Day, new things, yet still..

2008-09-24T22:11:00.002-05:00

Right now I am typing this post on my brand new Mac computer. It's lots of fun! So far I am enjoying it. I don't understand how it all works but I am going to figure it out. I even bought the book. MacBook for Dummies. So I think that will become a new pastime now...figuring out how to use my mac.

Today was a new day. It was spent as most Wednesday are..working a lot, and hanging out with the kiddos. I did have one family give me a compliment on my ministry, saying that her kids begged her to come tonight even though she was home sick and didn't even go to work today. She showered, got them showered, and brought them to church just for an hour and a half. That's pretty cool! Her kiddos are lots of fun to be around and seem to enjoy everything that they are a part of.

What's interesting about all of this is that I still am in the same spot spiritually. There hasn't been any significant amount of growth happening in the past couple of weeks. I still pray and talk to God about me, but it's just the same ole' same ole'. Nothing new to pray about regarding myself...maybe there is something to be said for persistence. I don't know..there's just not a desire there to spend time with God..it feels more like something I have to do. Yet most of me wants to keep going in the direction of the house..I just don't know what else I can do to get there. Yet again, there are no steps. Maybe that's why the Prodigal couldn't go any father.

What does trust in God look like anyway? Is it really possible to trust God with some things and not with others? Maybe I'm just using that as a crutch...maybe trust isn't the issue. I don't know. I think I'm just trying to figure it all out and it's been going on too long. In fact, I even thought about closing down this blog because of the length of my struggle. I have a feeling that people are tired of it and I don't want to wear people out. However, it's nice to sort things out on here and hear comments and encouragement.

I'm not in a bad place right now...just unsettled.

God's Gift to Me?

2008-09-17T22:00:00.004-05:00

Why am I such a thinker? Why do I over-analyze everything and consider 9 million options in decisions? Why can't I just go with things and make my life a little easier? Is my "deep thinking" really God's gift to me? I'm not so sure.

I was told yesterday that I tend to base my relationship with God on the situations around me. So, if things are good then my relationship with God is good. However, if something rough happens to me or someone I care about, then the questions,the anger, and the frustration at God come roaring back. So, I work hard at making things as smooth as possible so my relationship with God and with others follows suite. The downfall to all of that is pretty rough. It puts me on a never-ending rollercoaster ride with God. Here's the point, when life is good or when it's rough, God is still the same. So how do I get to that point? By slowing my mind and my emotions down to remind myself of the truth that I know about God and the truth in a situation. Once again, the conflict of an over-analyzing mind.

At least I have something to work on and to help me to keep moving toward the house.

So what about all the new things going on? Still thinking about those. Maybe in the next couple of weeks I will have some idea of what to do.

Trying New Things

2008-09-08T22:03:00.003-05:00

Over the last week I have been pondering this urge I have to try new things. Part of me wonders what it would be like to go back to school...part of me wonders about other new adventures that I am currently involved in or that I have heard about recently. I wonder if in my quest to try new things I am actually distracting myself from God. I mentioned in my last post that even though I am stepping outside my comfort zone, there is still an uneasiness about me. That uneasiness I haven't quite figured out yet...except that I'm sure a large part of it has to do with my relationship with God. I know that it's not where it should be, yet...

However, I have wondered too if that uneasiness is a need to try new things. So is it only my desire to create distraction from my relationship with God or is it truly justified and something I should pursue?

Stretching Outside My Comfort Zone

2008-09-02T23:30:00.003-05:00

This past week I have been involved in two very distinct events that have placed me outside of my comfort zone. One has to do with my personal life and it is definetly one of those things I would never consider doing. However, I have done it and am actually enjoying the experience...I think. It's still kinda weird though, but it's something new to do. I have also agreed to facilitate a small group with my church. That's something VERY much outside my comfort zone. For one, I don't like talking in front of people about spiritual things, that requires being open with them. And two, I feel VERY inadequate to facilitate a group when I can't even say I trust God. I guess we shall see.

I've been pondering some other things lately as well that might just appear on another post in the very near future. I'm not quite ready to put those things out here just yet, but we shall see.

Amongst all of the "stepping outside of my comfort zone" I have been doing lately, I still have an uneasiness about me. I know why it's there and I know what to do about it. I think I am working on this whole God thing, but I wonder if my friends would tell me differently. I just wish I could let it all go.

There's just a whole lot going on in my mind right now, ideas and thoughts going in so many different directions. Some that could be promising, others that are still unclear, and many others that need a lot of work. Yes, there are some thoughts that just need to go away and I need to be comfortable in letting go. Hum...maybe that's a post for another night.

Goin' Home?

2008-08-27T22:10:00.003-05:00

I can't seem to get the picture of the Prodigal Son out of my head. Here is what I picture...me standing along way off from the house. I can see the house ahead but there are a lot of hills to go to get there. I continue to wonder that way, but along the way encountering things that cause me to veer off course. I eventually find my way on the road again, but then the distractions come. So, what does the house look like? It's warm and welcoming from what I can tell. Sitting on the porch is God and He is waiting for me to come home. (No, I don't know what God looks like).

I think the trouble I keep running into with the picture in my head is that's not how the story of the Prodigal Son ended. The Father in the story ran out to meet the son. As I alluded to in my earlier post, I am not comfortable with God running to me. Yes, I realize that in reality He is always with me, but still. I want to come home on my own terms. I don't want to be forced to come home.

Why? I have been told many times that this journey home, to a place where I can trust God, is my own journey to make. I feel like in making this journey by myself I need to do it right. I think the hardest thing in the trip home is being OK with God when I don't have the answers to the never-ending questions. I have told God that I am not OK with that. Behind that sentence I think there is some anger, frustration, and doubt that still hasn't been worked through just yet.

My drive to get everything just right...in everything I do...plays through in my faith journey as well. I just want it to be right...I want to be able to say, like I have heard so much before, that my relationship with God is stronger because of the struggle I have been through. When I went to the Women of Faith conference this past weekend I heard speaker after speaker tell of rough times they have had throughout their lives and how they have come through those times with a greater understanding of who God is and what their relationship with Him is like. I WANT THAT!

I want people to tell me how they did it. Yet, in making this journey on my own, maybe I'm better off not knowing. But there are so many people who have walked dark roads and come out of the other side. I just want to know how they did it, so I can do it too. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place right now...somewhat stalled in the trip home.

Whatcha Up To?

2008-08-21T22:52:00.003-05:00

After spending some time with my family last week on vacation from the usual activities of my life, I think it is time to think about where I'm at in my spiritual journey. For the last month or so, I've been looking intently at the story of the Prodigal Son. I can identify with the Prodigal Son. Not so much in that I totally ran away from God and turned my back on Him to squander my money on wild living, I haven't done those things. But I can identify with him in that I have walked away from what I knew to be true about God. I have had my relationship with Him and believed that He exist, but that's about it. Until now...

Now I am headed back home. In the same way that the Prodigal Son came to his father with the desire to just be a servant in his father's household because of his mistakes, I have the desire to come to God with an attitude of "just being a servant." It seems that I have been neglecting my relationship with Him for so long, that I don't deserve to come back to Him as I used to be. Then again, I guess none of us do.

The thing where the Prodigal Son story differs then my own is that the father ran out to meet the son. I don't really want God to run to meet me. I want to come to Him on my own terms and in my own time. Is that wrong? I'm not sure which one is more characteristic of God. I'm thinking the way the father reacted is more telling of how God receives those who come back to Him since it was Jesus who told the story to begin with. But I don't know. I need some insight on this one.

My 100th Post

2008-07-31T22:48:00.003-05:00

For someone who never thought she would be a part of the blogging world, here I am writing my 100th post. Over the last two years, it's been quite a journey...ups and downs...twists and turns along the way.

I bought the new Third Day CD Revelation on Tuesday and it's very portraying of my struggle. What follows are the lyrics to a song that portrays this point along the journey:

Run to You- Third Day

I was tired of waiting
Playing all the games and
Living in a place that was not for me
So I thought it was time
For me to get what’s mine
And to do it all, everything I dreamed
What I thought was the best of me turned to be
All the worst I could find

If I run to you
Will you hold me in your arms forevermore
If I run to you
Will you hold me in your arms forevermore

Now I got a feeling
That I’ve got to leave and
Find a way back to where I came from
Though I don’t deserve it
I know it’s unheard but
Living here without you, my life is done
I confess that I shouldn’t have run from you
Now I know I was wrong

Nowhere to run to
And no one to turn to
I’m dying out here on my own
Long before I even thought of returning
Your arms are wide open
Waiting for me to come home

I would put the link to the video on here if it were available. When it is, I will post it on here. I thought this was a pretty telling song of where I am at in my journey. It seems that everyday I wonder if I run "home to God" will He open His arms to me forever. I know that He will, but the question still remains.

So, on my 100th post, I can see progress, but there is still a ways to go.

Talking to God

2008-07-28T22:46:00.003-05:00

For the last 9 days I have been making a much more conscious effort to be honest with God. Here is what I have learned;
- It's sad that talking to God isn't as easy as it once was.
- Being honest with God about who I see Him to be and my own faith struggles it extremely difficult and takes a lot of effort.
- The last 9 days haven't been "a walk in the park." Just because I am honest with God (or make an attempt to be) doesn't mean that things will be great. This I already knew. I don't expect life to go smoothly all the time.
- I find that my prayers don't follow a specific formula or model, they are as they are. There's nothing neat or pretty about them. My prayers just start and stop at seemingly random places. When I get tired of talking to God about me, I stop.
- I find my mind and my words going back to talking to God about other people and other's needs rather then my own. I have a consciously tell myself to talk to God about me. That's something different to me.
- My prayer's don't sound the same as they used to. They hold much more weight now and aren't taken so lightly as they once were.
- At the end of the day, no matter the type of day I have had, I know that my Father is wanting to talk with me. The choice is, will I talk to Him? Some days, yes. Other days...He's just too close. But I know I am taking steps to come home.

What I Want

2008-07-22T22:30:00.002-05:00

Lately, I have been battling the age-old controversy between what I want and what I need. I'm not one of those people who openly express what I want. I have several friends who can do that, but I have a difficult time being so bold about expressing my opinion. So, since this is my blog I can write down what I want from myself and in my life right now. Here's the list:

- I want to stop second-guessing myself all the time...on every decision that I make
- I want to live in a more black and white world instead of everything being shades of grey
- I want to know my boundaries and have the guts to enforce those boundaries
- I want to be more open and honest with others about what I am thinking and feeling
- I want a house
- I want a dog
- I want a boyfriend
- I want to feel like I am on the same par as everyone else at work
- I want to feel like my opinion matters
- I want to keep walking towards "the house" and my Father who is waiting my return and stands ready to welcome me
- I want to take a vacation to the beach and just forget about everything here
- I want my friends to continue to encourage me, challenge me, support me, be honest with me, and love me.
- I want to be the kind of friend to them that they are to me
- Do I want to go back to school?

That's the list for now. I'm sure there are things on this list that I don't need, but that wasn't the point. I just wanted to put my wants out there and maybe six months from now see if any of those wants had been accomplished.

I Think I'm Beginning to Understand

2008-07-19T23:29:00.002-05:00

The other day I asked a close friend of mine to keep me accountable to spend time with God more, being more honest with Him more frequently. She said, "No." At first, I was quite angry and taken aback by this comment. After some time passed and I was able to think about it, I wonder if she's absolutely right. She has told me many times that this is MY struggle. It wouldn't be my struggle is I were to have other people help me.

When this is all done with, then I can honestly say "I did it." Just thinking about that brings about a sense of accomplishment that I'm the one who journeyed and made it. Yes, my friends are there to support me and encourage me along the way, but they can't do it for me. I think there is a different in that and holding my hand along the way.

The second thing I am beginning to understand is that sometimes in life you have to take risks. My counselor reminded me on Thursday that in order to make progress, I am going to have to put myself out there and take risks. The first huge risk I took was talking to God that night at camp. I risked opening myself up and being honest and it all came out alright. So, the next risk to take is to keep talking to God and being honest with Him. Sometimes I think you have to make things black and white. For me, I tend to live in a world of grey and that exhaust me. So right now my black and white choices are: to keep going forward talking to God more frequently and taking one more step towards the house (Prodigal Son) or disgressing and going back to the way things were before camp because that was comfortable and not risky.

I was reminded of the whole black and white thing yesterday in a way that was pretty straightfoward. After that I thought back to the many choices I had to make last week, some of which I still haven't made, and how most of those choices were black and white but I made them grey in analyzing EVERYTHING. I think that if I learn to make a decision and stick to it without having to consider all the many options, I will be more productive and grow as a more confident individual.

Lots of things to consider here. I shall see how this week goes and post the progress as I go along.

Whewwwwww....

2008-07-05T23:27:00.003-05:00

Wow! What a whirlwind of a week it has been. We went to camp and came back, and I spent this weekend with a family that goes to our church. I also have an additional piece of jewelry on my body and I did it without asking my mother! (I may regret that later...we shall see).

Children's Camp was great! I am amazed at how God used all of those people that went as sponsors, the worship leaders, and the camp pastor to "be Jesus" to these kiddos. Three children made decisions for Christ, so that is something to most definitely celebrate! Throughout the four days of camp, I felt somewhat distracted and disengaged in worship and throughout the day. I think that the events of the week before camp, kept replaying in my mind. However as I reminded myself of why I was there and refocused on the children and the counselors at camp, things seemed to improve.

Very long story, very short...at 3:30am on Tuesday at camp, I talked to God about me. One of my good friends who has been with me throughout this struggle was with me and after she and another lady were telling me some pretty hard things to hear, I decided enough was enough. If this is truly my own struggle and I am traveling up the mountain by myself, then I am going to need God's help to get me to the top.

Todd Agnew has a song entitled "A War Inside of Me." That pretty much sums it up to say that's how I felt as I was sobbing before and during my prayer time. I rehearsed in my head what I would say to God and kept telling myself that all I have to do is open my mouth and the words will come.

They came...they weren't pretty...they were honest..

I'm still in shock that I did that. I've never talked to God so honestly and raw before. I laid it all out there for Him and He didn't strike me down. The thing is, I didn't feel any relief after praying. Actually, I felt pretty much like crap for the next two days afterwards. The morning after, I felt like I had been hit by a train and left on the track. I wonder if that's how people feel that have a hangover? I was exhausted to the point of almost being physically ill.

Now that I've had a couple of days to recover, I find myself asking, "What's next?" I know I'm suppose to keep talking to God and will do that, but it's like I've forgotten how to do so. I think just like my relationship with God will look different when all of this is over, my prayer life is going to look different too. I know those two things go together, but I never thought about it that way.

I know I need to get the focus off of me. But, I'm not sure how to do that. My prayer the other night was telling God how I felt, what I didn't like about Him, what I don't understand, etc... It was mostly "I" statements. I know prayer needs to be about God and what He is doing in our lives, but I'm not sure how to make that happen.

I want my prayer time to be authentic and real and right now I still have these very raw emotions when it comes to God.

But, progress was made at camp. I talked to God about me and we shall see what God does with that.

Frodo's Journey

2008-06-24T23:16:00.002-05:00

Today was a rough day. After receiving an email early this morning that caused me to question my friend's willingness to continue on this journey with me, the rest of the day was quite a tailspin. We are just 5 days from Children's Camp. I am excited about camp as always, but there is still lots that needs to be done. It will get done, it always does.

For lunch today, I contacted the friend who wrote the earlier email to see if we coudl get together and chat. I took a longer lunch break then usual but needed to get some things "off my chest." I ended up getting my butt kicked over and over again. She told me "Laura, this is a journey you have to make on your own. No one else can make the journey for you. I don't have the answers to your questions." She compared my journey to that of Frodo's in Lord of the Rings. If you have seen these three movies, you are familar with the storyline of Frodo and Sam trying to make it to Mount Doom to deliever the ring. At the beginning of the first movie, Frodo knows that he must take this ring to Mt. Doom, no one else can take it for him. It was a task that he was chosen to do. Later in the 3rd movie, Frodo finds himself unable to make it up the mountain and Sam (his best friend) tells him "Mr. Frodo, I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you." However, at the end Frodo was the one who had to take the ring himself those last steps up the mountain.

My friend posed some extrememly hard questions to me today. She said, "Laura I have/said everything I know to do. I will continue to listen to you and help you sort things out, but you have to continue the journey yourself." I think that's how all of my other friends feel too.

My first reaction to that is, that sucks. It's hard, tiring, messy, and lonely. I told her that I needed people in my corner cheering me on, wiping the blood off my face, and encouraging me to get back out there. I think that's what Sam did for Frodo.

She also said, "Laura I think you have adjusted to life with the struggle so that there is something in you that won't let that struggle go. What are you afraid of if the struggle is not there?" I didn't answer that question. I'm not sure I'm ready to answer that question even now. I told her she was right in that I do know how to live life with the struggle. I've said all along that I don't like the struggle and I don't. I HATE IT! Yet, as much as I don't like it, I find myself there. I guess it boils down to, I know what to do but I won't do it.

Frodo finally made it up the mountain and got rid of the ring. He knew that his life was never going to be the same because of the experience he had, but he did accomplish what he was chosen to do.

When I give up the struggle, I will be able to look back and say that I worked through my struggle, that I made it up the mountain. Right now, thinking of going up the mountain by myself is a very scary thought, but it is what must be done if I am to make it to the top. I just need my friends to listen, support, and pick me up along the way.

So, does this mean I keep things to myself and struggle inwardly? I'm not sure. Maybe there needs to be some balance there. Hum...still working on that one.

In Three Words

2008-06-18T23:25:00.002-05:00

Here is my faith struggle summed up in three words:

IS GOD SAFE?

If not, what would make Him safe for me again?

Safe people are those extremely few friends that you know that no matter what you tell them, they will still be there for you through it all. Those 3 people in my life are so special to me. They continue to weather the storm whatever may come. I trust them completely that what I tell them will remain in confidence and know that they will walk with me through the struggles of life and I will do that same for them.

So, the $100 million question is- Is God safe?

Grace Disguised Part 3: God's Sovereignty

2008-06-18T22:35:00.002-05:00

What is God's sovereignty?

That is a HUGE question that has huge ramifications based upon the answer. "I knew I had to make peace with God's sovereignty, reject God all together, or settle for a lesser God who lacked the power or desire to prevent the accident." Those were three roads that I had to travel. Who is God in relation to the accident and is my view of God that will be developed good enough to support the event of the accident? Will it hold up again when tested, as I'm sure it will be?

So, is God all-powerful and in control? How much control does God truly have in my life and in the lives of those around me? I like the way the author says "as the novelist, God stands outside the story and "controls" it as the writer. But as characters in the novel, humans are free to act and to determine their own destiny." I believe that God gives us free will, letting us make our own decisions about how we choose to live our lives. Those choices can be positive or negative, but God has given us a standard in which to live and it is our choice to follow that standard.

"Belief in God's sovereignty thus gives us the security of knowing God is in control, but it also assigns us the responsibility of using our freedom to make wise choices and to remain faithful to Him." There have been days when it brings comfort to me knowing God is in control, but on the heels of that comfort is "Yea, but why does God (who is sovereign) allow tragedy? Then again, why does He give us blessings too?

Three years later, this is what I know about the accident that day and God's role in the accident:
-God was in control that day, just like He is everyday. Yet, why did He not work in such a way to have a different outcome to the story?

-At the time of the accident and for many days afterwards, God provided exactly what my friend and her children have needed.

-God was sad that day when my friend lost her husband. It grieved Him as well.

- God still uses me even though I have my own struggles with faith and trust.

The questions are still there, the struggle is very much real, but for today here is the quote that I am focused on:

"God's sovereignty allows us to believe that He is bigger then our circumstances and will make our lives better through those circumstances." It will be different, but hopefully better then what it is right now.

Reflections on A Grace Disguised: Part 2

2008-06-03T22:49:00.004-05:00

To pick up where the previous post left off:

Since the world as I knew it had been turned upside down and I would never again think "that the world is a safe place, full of nice people, positive experiences, and favorable circumstances" so what was/is left?

So for three years, I've been trying to figure out the answer to that question. How does God fit into all of this? Does He fit at all? How could a good God allow something this tragic to happen to such a wonderful family? And on and on and on they went. Even today, some of those questions still swirl around in my head.

My anger towards God stemmed from the thought of "this is not fair" Here is what the author says about life being fair:

"In a perfect world I might never experience tragedy; but neither would I experience grace. To live in a world with grace is better by far than to live in a world of absolute fairness. A world with grace will give us much more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering."

Grace- the many characteristics of God that we don't deserve especially when the last thing we want to do is pursue a relationship with a God that we don't understand

So do I want to live in a world that is fair or one where there is a God who offers grace? I have finally reached a point where I realize that life is not fair and that bad things happen to good people. It sucks when those bad things do happen, but it is what it is. If I were to live in a fair world, then I would never have the chance to experience God's grace. If this were a fair world, I wouldn't be around to ask hard questions and wrestle with God. While that is indeed frustrating at times I think that eventually the questions will have value, value that wouldn't have been found in a fair world.

Where does God fit in this unfair world? Because the world is unfair, He gives us His grace: His comfort, presence, forgiveness, and peace to make it through those times when the world deals us a blow. He also gives us chance after chance to "do over" whatever it is that we screwed up. He picks us up when we fall, when we can't get up on our own. The question is, what does God ask from us in return?

Through what I have read and listened to recently, it seems that we must approach God through honest prayers, raw emotions, etc... to receive the grace that He has for us. If that is true, I'm not at that point yet. I think that it one of the hardest things about redefining my faith...talking to God when I'm not sure how I feel about Him. Yet "our feelings do not determine what is real, though the feelings themselves are real. We should acknowledge our feelings without treating them as if they are the ultimate truth."

It's so easy to consider my feelings as truth, forgetting the ultimate truths found in Scripture regarding the nature and character of God. I think that is where the problem lies...there is a big difference between what my head knows about God (knowledge of God in the Scriptures) and what my heart, based on feelings, questions about God. Not sure how to align those two seemingly polar opposites.

One thing that does agree with my head and my heart is that "God loved me in my misery, God loved me because I was miserable. Nothing can separate us from his love, not even our inability to love him in return."

Reflections on A Grace Disguised: Part 1

2008-06-02T20:43:00.008-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, a dear friend of mine loaned me a book entitled A Grace Disguised. It basically tells the story of the author losing his mother, wife, and child in one horribly tragic accident. He tells of the immediate days following the accident: the emotions he felt (or lack thereof), his anger at the drunk driver who caused the accident, etc. As the book progresses so does his story. What starts out in pure tragedy ends in hope and in this man having the desire to use his story to help other people. He credits several different things to where he is now in his journey, one major thing being the grace of God.

So, here are the beginnings of my reflections on A Grace Disguised.

"When people suffering loss do find community, it comes as a result of conscious choices they and other people make....It requires a choice on the part of those who want to provide community for suffering friends. [Those friends] will never be the same after that decision. Their own world will be permanently altered. It will bring an end to detachment, control, and convenience. It will prevent them from ever thinking again that the world is a safe place full of nice people, positive experiences, and favorable circumstances."

The above quote occurs about halfway through the book. There are many other quotes that gave me pause for thought, but this one seemed to be a good place to start.

Almost three years ago, one of my closest friends suffered a horrific loss as her husband was killed in a tragic car accident. At the time I had just taken a position at the same church where she worked, where I, during seminary, had been an intern under her guidance and care. Fresh out of seminary, beginning a new chapter in my life as a "real" minister, seemingly having the whole world handed to me on a silver platter, and then this happened.

For a long time afterwards I questioned everything that I had gone through immediately prior to the accident. What if I hadn't stay in Texas? Would my friend's husband still be alive, since God doesn't give us more then we can bear? My addition to the church staff split the ministry that she is involved in, in half, and I wondered for a long time what would have happened if I would have left. She would have been doing both ministries as she was before my arrival and then maybe, because that was A LOT on her plate, maybe her husband wouldn't have died because she couldn't have handled that too. I know that sounds crazy, but such was the thought at the time.

For almost three years, I have been asking myself questions related to that day and trying to put my own life back together as it was before that horrible day. Reading this portion of the book gave me a great amount of assurance that things are not going to be as they were for me, ever again. I think that for so long I have not found any reason for my life to be forever changed by the events of the day. It was not my husband who died, nor was it my children who would have to live the rest of their lives without their dad who loved them dearly. It didn't any make sense for my life to be turned upside down.

However as I joined in community with my friend and as we shared together our struggles and triumphs, as I showed love to her children and became "part of their family" I began to notice that my life was changing. I found that things I thought I knew about God weren't so crystal clear and the way the world works wasn't what my simple mind had always believed. Things were turned upside down and I fought it each step of the way (and still do sometimes today.)

I think part of that fight was expecting too much from myself. I wanted me to "have it all together" and be the superhero that I thought I was supposed to be for my friend. Yet I don't think that's how this is suppose to work. According to the author, when friends engage in community with those who are suffering, their lives will be forever changed. I think the conscious choice for me occurred not once but twice immediately after we heard the news that my friend's husband had passed away. The first was when I told my friend that I would do whatever I could to help her out with whatever she needed. This conversation occured just moments after she received the news. Looking back on it that seems like the most asinine thing to say right when someone hears of the death of a loved one, but I didn't know what else to say. I remember the first conversation I had with God which happened on the way home from the hospital. In that conversation, I told God I would do whatever was needed to help my friend and her children. God then orchestrated everything in such a way for me to be used by Him and I wouldn't change that for the world. But that came at a cost...because of that investment, my life will never be the same and that is more than OK with me. The blessings that I have received through their lives, and continue to receive almost everyday, far outweigh my life as it used to be. There seems to be a difference in my day to day life and in my spiritual life that has forever changed. Life as a whole has become much more complex then it ever was before.

But then again God never promised that it was going to be easy or that it would stay the same. Even though the tragedy did not affect me directly my life has forever been changed because of the community around me and my investment into the lives of those I care so deeply about. While I don't have a handle on my life as it is right now, I know that through the struggle of trying to make my life something that it will never be again, God is teaching me so many things about myself and Him that when it is all said and done I will be grateful for the change.

Update

2008-05-28T22:24:00.002-05:00

So the waters have calmed at work. Things seem to be better...at least for now. I still am not 100% sure that I did the right thing, but there's nothing I can do about it now. It's over...I tried to make amends...and..that's it. Here comes Summer 2008 and all that it entails. Summer is actually one of the most exciting times for me, so we shall see how it all goes.

My parents were in town for the holiday weekend. It was nice to have them here...much different then when my mom was visiting a couple of months ago. We just spent time relaxing, doing whatever we wanted. Dad is pretty adamant about me buying a house. He wants me to make an investment in a house instead of just renting. We shall see. I don't want to get overloaded again, so who knows. I will just quietly look as they become available. It was kinda sad yesterday when they left, but it was time. I have to get back to my life here and do what is best for me. Do I still wish I wasn't so far away? Some days.

So what's the deal with grace? Over the last week or so I have done some research on this whole grace thing. I have talked to a couple of people about what they think grace is in regards to difficult circumstances and I have read several chapters and articles on the topic of grace. Here's what I've gotten so far:
- Grace is more then one attribute of God
- Grace is what we get from God that is undeserved- His presence, His love, His comfort, His provision in the way of other people and through the meeting of our needs when things are rough.
- Grace is God's sustaining power working in us to bring good out of tragic circumstances and to help us travel the rocky terrain that comes with tragedy

That's what I've got so far. I am still reading Scripture three times a week, yet I find myself longing for more. When I hear of people's prayer time spent with God, I wish it were me. I long for that intimacy with God...but.... So I find myself in the place of "in between." In between not wanting to talk to God and knowing what I could have if I would do just that. Hum...what to do from here?

It is what it is...the question is do I want to leave it that way?

I Just Don't Get It

2008-05-20T22:43:00.002-05:00

Today and yesterday I found myself in a bit of quandry at work. I did what I thought was best and now it has backfired in a major way. The person who seems to have the biggest problem with the situation isn't even a part of the inital problem. Today, I took it upon myself to meet with this person. Normally I would do everything else then go to the person as a last resort. I thought I would change that today and see if talking to the person first would make a difference. I'm not sure that it did. I guess the important thing is that I listened to her and tried to make things right. Are they right? I seriously doubt it. Tomorrow we shall see. Not only that but I am regretting the conversation I had last week that started all this crap. It's seemed to impact more people then I ever intended it to. If I would have known how this was all going to turn out, I would have NEVER done it. I would have just lived with the way things were, at least it would just be me who would be frustrated. As it is, there are four people who are having a hard time with all of this. It's a tough place to work right now, especially when I feel like it's all my fault that all of this turmoil is happening at work.

Today I spent some time thinking about the grace of God. I was looking back at my earlier posts, when I just started this blog, and realized that the same questions I have now are the same ones that I had then. Does that mean there hasn't been progress? No, I think there has been, but the questions are still there. I am beginning to think that they always will be. Maybe the goal should be to live with my questions, not giving them so much power in my life, realizing that God has given me His grace and mercy each day to face what may come.

That brings me to this question: How would you define God's grace? As I said a long time ago, I can understand God's grace in forgiveness of sins, but what about defining God's grace in the midst of struggle or even everyday life? What is it? Hopefully in the next couple of days I can put together some sort of definition on God's grace and then write my next post about faith vs. hope and God's gift of mercy and grace.

Things are still looking up from where they were two months ago, but after days like the last two, I still feel somewhat lonely. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone who would just let me vent and then tell me that it will all be OK. I guess that's one good thing about my blog, I can say what I want to and still sensor how much I want to say. It would be nice to not have to do that, but until then, this will work. I know things will be OK, and that none of this is as big of a deal as I am making it, but it is what it is.

On the Road Again

2008-05-14T22:22:00.002-05:00

For a while now, I've felt like my life has taken a detour. For the last three months, there has been a lot happening in my life that has caused me to question just about everything resulting in feelings of depression and quite a bit of loneliness. However, I think things are starting to look up. I feel like I am back on the road again of the journey. I still don't know where I'm going, but the more I think about it, I'm not sure anyone does. All we are promised is the time we have right now and we need to make the most of it.

Tonight, through the testimony of a friend of mine, I was reminded that God has a purpose for my life right now. Instead of always looking for what comes next, I need to enjoy where He has me right now. That takes some getting used to, but I think it will make things easier not only in the long run, but in the everyday life as well. Another reminder of the love of God came from her testimony tonight as she read Romans 8:38-39.

38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

During those last few months when I have felt pretty defeated, and even in the last few years, I knew that no matter what happened or was happening, that God still loved me. I don't understand it, but I know that nothing can seperate me from His love. Because of that love, I have a foundation to build my faith upon. It may take a while but I will get there.

On a side note, my Bible reading is going well. I am reading three times a week and some of it is actually rather refreshing. It will be interesting to see what is made of it next week when I go back to my counselor. We shall see.

So, I'm back on the road...still expecting bumps and detours along the way, but hopefully I won't get off the road again. However, no matter what comes I know God is with me and for the first time in a long time that brings comfort.

Happy Birthday to Me

2008-05-05T22:46:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I celebrated my 28th birthday! It was a great day. God used that day to remind me of the great friends I have here who function as my family. The sweetest part of the day came when the kiddos from church sung Happy Birthday to me, not once but twice. Throughout the morning, I had lots of kids telling me Happy Birthday and that was so sweet. It was a good day.

I've been asking myself today, what do I want in the next year of my life? I want to live a life where God is totally in control and I want to get to a place where I can rest in God's presence in my life. Would it be nice to find the love of my life this year? Sure it would. I wouldn't fight against that. But who knows if it will happen. I am going to try and make myself more sociable with the opposite sex and we shall see what happens. I think once I start making progress toward the first thing, the "guy stuff" will fall into place.

So what have I learned in the last year? I'm not sure the answer to that question but I do know that the last year has been a rollercoaster ride, especially the last 6 months. I feel that I have made some progress with this whole faith stuff and am learning a little bit more about myself in the process. I have successfully started a new ministry at church and am learning to rely more on volunteers to run that ministry.

So, at 28 years old, what is my plan? Take it one day at a time and enjoy the day that I have been given. I'm excited about planning for the summer and will take this whole situation with God as it comes.

What Happened

2008-05-01T22:35:00.002-05:00

Tuesday night I wrote a post about a rough day at work and where I am at in my spiritual journey. BJK posted an interesting comment that I thought would be best addressed in a post. She asked me how can I be a minister and not have an intimate relationship with God? The only answer I can give to that is that God has called me to minister to children and it is through this calling that He gives His grace when I need it most and still uses me in ministry even though my relationship with Him isn't where it should be. Is it non-existent? No, it's just not where I know it should be. Most of the time I am careful to teach children those things that I do believe about God, so as not to be hypocritical. I try to be open with them, as is appropriate, about how everyone struggles and no one is perfect.

BJK also asked what happened to get me to this point. There have been several things that have happened over the course of the last three years that have caused me to ask hard questions, not getting answers, and trying to redefine my faith in who God is and how He works in my life. Some of the events are just normal life events, other events have been tough...real tough...but I've made it through those events. Throughout it all, I have known that God loves me and that He is with me, even if I didn't want Him to be.

By the way, the fact that I can now let God sit in the room with me and not feel like I have to run away is a big deal. (See earlier post for the analogy.) There has been progress made and there is still a ways to go.

One of Those Days

2008-04-29T22:47:00.002-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days? Days when nothing seems to go right and everyone just sort of gets on your nerves? Today was one of those days for me. Everything I set out to accomplish today seemed to be more difficult then it should have been. Our last Family Worship for the semester is tomorrow night and I would have thought that people at church would have been a little bit more willing to work with me to have an event that brings families together. Our maintenance supervisor throws this fit with me today about the chairs in the Worship Center. He provides me with a diagram of how the chairs should go back, since we took them all out for our Family Worship. My thought is that if I am using volunteers to move the chairs back and he gets paid to move the chairs around for Sunday, it just doesn't seem right to ask so much from my volunteers. We can't measure the exact amount of space between the rows, nor can we eyeball what a straight line looks like. So, I spent most of yesterday and today worried about the stupid chairs. It pisses me off when something as trival as chairs gets in the way of what we are trying to accomplish. And that was just the start of the day...

The good news is that the above mentioned situation is now resolved and the chairs are not longer a worry. I had to go to "the top" to get that taken care of, but it is done. I'm excited that tomorrow is our last Family Worship until August, but I think I will miss it this summer. We will still have a time of planning and evaluating, but no FX. I have learned so much from this experience and know that whatever happens in the Fall will be better then how we leave it tomorrow night. After all, God is in control of it all.

I also have begun my homework from my counselor. Last week he told me that he would like for me to start reading my Bible again on a more regular basis. We decided that for three days each week I needed to read a short Psalms, just spending a few minutes reading Scripture. It seems that I have gotten out of the habit of spending time in the Word...hum..I wonder why. So, last night and tonight I read a little bit. It went OK. I wouldn't say I enjoyed it, but I didn't dread it either. For some reason I just feel indifferent about the whole idea of spending time with God. On one hand I crave that intimate relationship with Him that I see that other people have. On the other hand, it is still quite scary.

Oh well...tomorrow is another day and I will take it as it comes...whatever that may be.

Wow! It's Been ALONG Time!

2008-04-23T23:08:00.003-05:00

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last wrote a post on my blog. I think it's been too long. I had a dream the other night where I went to post something on my blog and my blog was gone because I hadn't had any activity on it in such a long time. Hum...maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

Anyway, Laura's world has been interesting lately. Much too much to explain here, but I think now I am hopefully coming out of a funk that I have been in for the past couple of months. There's been a lot of stuff going on at work and in my life that caused me to need to take a step back and look at things. So, I think I'm working through all of that.

My current theological question is this: Is it possible for Jesus to be your Savior and not your Lord? This question was the sermon topic at my parents' church last Sunday and I was priveleged enough to hear it. The problem came when I started asking myself is He the Lord of my life. I'm not so sure that He is. Yeah, I'm a Christ-follower and I do love God, but to say that He is Lord implies (at least for me) that He is in control of all my thoughts, actions, words, etc.., each day. When I try and let myself be in control of those things instead of God, that's where sin comes into the picture. However, I can't say that Jesus is in control of all of those things in my life. I would think that if He is Lord of my life I would be able to trust Him a little more then I do.

As always, I'm open to opinions on this one. It presents quite a challenge to my faith and to that which I do everyday, ministering to others. Maybe it's not a big deal, and maybe I am overthinking all of this, but I'm just not sure the answer.

I Survived

2008-02-28T20:57:00.003-06:00

Last night was a BIG night for me! We had our very first Family Worship Experience service at our church. It's hard to really explain it in words what that entails, but basically it's a kid-friendly service that is designed to reach families. The point of it is for families to come together and worship the Lord in an environment that is geared towards children and their parents. I am in charge of this event. What was so amamzing was that there were so many people who used their talents and gifts to make this Family Worship Experience possible. God used this event to teach me several things. One of the most important is that it's OK to ask for people to help you. If they offer to help, take them up on their offer. That might sound elementary, but for someone who has a "superhero" complex, that's a big thing.

One other concept that I am finally beginning to grasp is that God doesn't expect me to be perfect and no one else does either...except for me. In preparing for last night I was reminded that I am not perfect. Things will happen...things I can't control. So, I need to quit trying to control so much. I also need to quit worrying so much about what other people think. God has put me in my position and the church respects me as a minister, so I need to make decisions that I think are what God would have me to and those decisions that are in the best interest of the church. I will tell myself everyday to stand on those decisions and that some people won't like them and others will support me no matter what and that is OK.

There were over 320 people at Family Worship! It was an amazing night. God proved His faithfulness and trustworthiness to me once again. God is the one who gets the glory for the success of the evening, not me and not my volunteers. God put us all together to get it done and that's what we did. My friend said, "You are aiming for a big target." Just the fact that we got all the details together and gave families 45 minutes of time together was the "big target." Yes, there are still things that need to be improved upon, but that's for another day.

Tonight I am at home by 8 for the first time in a while. It's nice to sit at home and finally do things like laundry, pay bills, write a post, etc. It's a nice break and tomorrow I'm not going into work. It's my off day and I'm going to take it.

And On We Go

2008-02-12T21:37:00.002-06:00

So the last three weeks have been interesting. Since my last post I have been battling a nasty virus...flu or not...it was rough. Now, I seem to be on the mend once again. Being sick gets old real fast. This is the first time I've had a whole lot to say or even the energy in which to say it. Today I had my counseling session and it was interesting. In talking to my counselor today he asked me for an update on the answer to my question "If God were in the room sitting in the chair across from me, what would I do?" Usually I answer that I would run out of the room. Today, I found myself being aware that if God were sitting in a chair I would sit there. I still wouldn't say anything, but I would sit there. If you stop to think about it though, it would be kinda weird..God and I staring at each other. I would probably get kinda weirded out by that so I'm not sure how long I would sit there though, but at least I wouldn't run.

I'm not sure if it was just a weak moment or not, but I will take it for what it's worth and go with it. There's really not one moment that I can say that helped me get to that point. I think it's more about continuing to explore who God is and how He feels about His children. I know that sounds weird but I never promise to be "normal."

We talked about Satan today. My counselor asked me what I thought Satan did in the world and we talked about the battle that goes on between God and Satan every single day. It was really weird to think about Satan and how he plots and schemes to get us to pull away from our relationship with God. It was just as neat to think about how God acts in our lives to give us what we need to counteract Satan's attacks. It's so easy to let Satan use tough days, or negative self-talk, or my lack of trusting God, to pull me away from my relationship with God and to forsake it all. But that's not a choice...I may not talk to God about me, nor might I trust God, but I'm not going to walk away from my relationship with God or from trying to "work it all out."

Did God intend for there to be evil in the world? I don't think He did. When God created the Garden of Eden, He created a perfect place. It was Satan, Adam, and Eve that messed it all up. It still doesn't make sense how God could allow bad things to happen, but He does. That statement I've got to quit trying to figure out. Even in the midst of allowing bad things to happen, God gives us what we need to help us get through it. Hum...sound simple but it's really not. It says something about who God is and what He does in our lives.

All that to say, that's the road I'm on. There's still quite a ways to go...talking to God and all, but I think today there was a little bit of progress.

It's Been Awhile

2008-01-30T21:56:00.000-06:00

So, I'm back. Becky asked me today if I was still around and here I am. I didn't want a rock thrown at my window! Ha,ha. I've been recuperating from walking pneumonia since this time last week and am now well on my way.

I just got home from having coffee with a dear friend of mine. She speaks truth to me, understands the struggle, and doesn't try to "gloss over" things. For that I am ever grateful. There was a lot discussed tonight, most of which I am still trying to process. Here are the major points:
-Is anger a necessary emotion that I must go through to discover who God truly is?
- Am I angry at God?
- What does it mean for God to experience sadness/brokeness?
- Bad things happen because there is sin in the world. So?
- The mental gymnastics are getting on my last nerve.
- There's nothing I can do to make God love me more. There is nothing I can do that will make Him love me any less.
- I expect way too much from myself. Therefore, part of me wonders if I put those expectations onto what God expects from me.
- Still won't talk to God about me.

And these are just the major points. What's next? Maybe I'll take the above list and write a post about each one. That might be a start. Tomorrow is another day, and I'll put one foot in front of another. After all, what other choice do I have?

What am I thinking

2008-01-14T22:18:00.000-06:00

Who the heck knows?

Tonight I went to a meeting with some other Children's Ministers in the area, three to be exact, to talk about the Will Graham Celebration that will occur here later in the Spring. Yes, Will Graham is the grandson of Billy Graham. Everyone was so excited about him coming to little Burleson...everyone but me. I should be excited...boys and girls are going to hear about Jesus...lots of boys and girls. But, I just can't get excited about it. I felt inadequate to even be in the same room with those people. It was just a weird situation.

Today the church staff went to an Evangelism Conference. I didn't care. The speakers did a good job and the music was great...Shane and Shane was there...but I didn't care. My whole job revolves around people accepting Christ, but right now, my own faith struggles seem to overshadow that. I think I've just lost perspective.

It's exhausting to sing some lines of some songs and not sing others...songs that I used to worship God with. Mental gymnastics are wearing me out.

Convincing Myself to Believe

2008-01-13T21:39:00.001-06:00

So, for a while now I've been thinking about if it is possible for me to convince myself to eventually believe what I pray. For example, right now I can't believe that "I want to know God more then I want answers to my questions." I want to be at that point, but I'm not. So, I wonder if I were to pray that to God, not really believing it, could I convince myself to believe it?

Here's another one. Tonight in Bible Study we watched a DVD on doubt. The speaker's points were that in times of doubt it is essential that we hang on to three truths about Christ: that He is the Christ, that He is in control, and that He is committed to us. So, all of that sounds good...I know that's what I should believe, but I'm not there. I wonder if it's possible to convince myself to the point of where I honestly believe those things?

There's the desire, to get to the point of where I trust God, I just can't. There's something in me that so desires to trust God yet there is something that says how can I trust God when I don't have all the answers? Yet I'm not going to have those and I know that. Here's the deal: when the day comes that I finally give up the struggle and can honestly say believing that I want to know God more then the answers to my questions, there is a fear there that I won't live up to my own expectations or the expectations of others. But that's not the point of this post. That will be another post once I think over that thought some more.

Getting back to this point of convincing myself to believe something. The father in Mark told Jesus right before He healed his son that he believed and asked Jesus to help his unbelief. So, both belief and unbelief exists simultaneously in one person. In doing a little research on that verse in Mark, one commentary notes that "there is within every believer a tension between faith and unfaith, and that faith can only continue to exist by dint of divine aid." Maybe God is the one who convinces me to act on my belief rather then my unbelief.

That brings up another point...prayer. Hum...that's kinda what everything seems to go back to right now.

I had no doubt about this one!

2008-01-09T23:27:00.000-06:00

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The South That's a Southern accent you've got there. You may love it, you may hate it, you may swear you don't have it, but whatever the case, we can hear it.
The Midland
Philadelphia
The Inland North
The Northeast
The West
North Central
Boston
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

This made me laugh. People have always said that I talk funny...especially with certain words. No wonder seeing as how I grew up in Alabama and am now living in Texas. At least I'm among like-kind.

Question

2008-01-07T22:13:00.001-06:00

What is the difference between loving God and liking God? Is there any difference at all?

A Look Back on 2007

2007-12-29T15:19:00.000-06:00

Christmas is over and New Year's is around the corner. Time spent with my family at Christmas was nice...it's always good to go back to where I grew-up, and it's always good to come back home. The Christmas decorations are down...another Christmas come and gone.

New Year's....2008...most people think of this as a new start. Last year I made some resolutions...knowing that I probably wouldn't stick with them and I was right. So, this year...for 2008...I don't know if I will make any resolutions. Here's what I know about 2007:

- I finished the year...almost finished the year...with more questions then answers

- Lots of good things happened this year...friendships grew, new friendships began, my job at church is good

- There are things that I believe about God that I've held on to all year long

- I would like to say that I have gone down the road of trying to figure out the hows, whys, what ifs, trying to figure out this whole faith thing...and have emerged on the other side...but I can't.

What will 2008 bring? Who knows...

I will continue on this journey...trying to figure it all out, yet knowing that I'll never get there.

This is how it is

2007-12-18T22:51:00.000-06:00

Last night I begun listening to a sermon by Andy Stanley. I always am interested in what Andy has to say and this time it was no different. In this sermon, Andy is talking about my favorite story in the Bible that recounts one of Jesus' miracles- Jesus healing the man born blind.

At the beginning of the story, the disciples asked Jesus why the man had been born blind. Jesus told them that it was so the work of God could be displayed in this man's life. That's a bold statement for Jesus to make and one I don't get...but that's not the point....that will be another post.

Andy makes the statement that it was as if Jesus was telling the disciples...guys, this isn't what you wanted to hear, but this is how it is. Hum...that's not good enough for me. I want to know why...I so want it all to make sense....why? Why do I have this desire for everything about God to make sense?

This is how it is....the hard part is taking that and being OK with it.

Does God love me? Does God like me?

2007-12-09T22:02:00.000-06:00

I just finished reading a book, Messy Spirituality, by Mike Yaconelli. It's actually a pretty encouraging book for someone who can't discern heads or tails about my faith right now. I like to read books, but usually I don't want to read the same one twice...especially right away. However, this book I think I want to read it again and make some notes on it. Anyway, in the book Yaconelli mentions the idea that there was a time in his life when he wasn't so sure if God liked him. He knew that God loved him, but he wasn't sure if he was liked by God. The more I think about that, the more I think I'm right there with him. Throughout this whole journey, I have known that God loves me. Sure, there have been those days when I didn't/don't feel like God loved me, but I knew that for some reason it was/is true. I think right now the question is: Does God like me?

I remember being told when I was little and even today hearing parents tell their children "I love you, but I don't like the choices you are making right now." It was at that point that I knew my parents were frustrated at me or disappointed in me and I think that the same is true for God. Yes, I know that God isn't like that...He's the perfect parent, but still...

I have this perception of God that He doesn't like me right now. I still know that He loves me, but it's hard for me to imagine Him liking me. I haven't fleshed out this whole idea of God liking me just yet.

What would it look like for me to say that God likes me? What would it take?

What's the difference between God liking me and God loving me?

Did God ever not like people in Scripture?

Maybe I don't believe that God likes me because I don't like Him...heck I'm not even sure if I love Him.

2007-12-05T22:22:00.000-06:00

Today was an angry day. I'm not real sure exactly what's going on, but I think anger best describes my feelings at this moment. I think my anger comes from a place inside of me where because I can't put the pieces together of "my puzzle" that frustration turns into anger. Everywhere I look there are reminders that Christmas is coming. Yep...still don't care. That makes me angry at myself, because I should care...heck, the reason for Christmas is what my job is all about. That's why I decided today that I wanted to be a garbage lady...no responsibility, no spiritual facades to wear...just me and the trash. At least, that was until my friend told me she would like to be a barrista at Starbucks. That's sounds a little more appealing I guess. Tonight at church, I even misunderstood a situation and accused a child of doing something that she didn't do. Tears followed and once I had realized what happened, I apologized and hopefully all is well. Everything was off today...

I wonder if part of the anger that I feel is directed at God. In my never-ending, increasingly frustrating search to understand who God is and how He works, I just can't help but think there is probably some anger there. I want to go one day without thinking of my faith struggle and having to run everything through a filter. Why can't I just accept things as they are and go with it? I feel alone right now and I think I need to be OK with that. Maybe tonight before I fall asleep I can make a list of those things that I am angry about and go from there.

Anger, frustration, discouragement, inadequacy...these are the emotions at the end of my day. Tomorrow is going to come and it will be "something"...good or bad, it will be whatever it will be.

Decorating for Christmas

2007-12-03T22:16:00.000-06:00

Tonight I made myself put out my Christmas decorations. I was just going to put a few things out: my nativity, and a few odds and ends. However, I ended up putting my tree up and putting out everything that goes inside my apartment. The outside will have to wait until the weather gets a little warmer. Anyway, putting out my decorations was different this year. I usually look foward to decorating for Christmas. I have always enjoyed the sights and smells of the Christmas season. This year, there's not much joy in putting up my decorations. I'm just not into it.

Frankly, I don't really care that it's Christmas time. Hopefully that will change as the holiday approaches. That might sound harsh, it's not intended to be. I'm thankful Christ came to earth, the greatest gift ever, but I dunno, it just doesn't seem like Christmas. I just don't have that "glad and sincere heart" that people focus on at Christmas. I'm not real sure how else to explain it right now. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more words.

The Craziness that is my Life

2007-11-29T22:39:00.000-06:00

So, the Sunday before Thanksgiving I completed my assignment...my 4 statements to God. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, I found myself in an ER in Minden, LA sufferring from a virus and probably a panic attack. There's 5 days between those two events.

I don't understand the theological implications behind those events. I do know that I was terrified when I got sick...I asked God to get me home safely...I was thankful to Him when it was all over and I was back home.

I think this is one of those times in my life, or in my faith journey, that I just can't figure things out. I am finally feeling good enough to try and sort through the happenings and how all of that relates to my trusting God (I'm pretty sure it does) but I don't know where to start. Once again, I want it to all fit together and I feel like no matter how hard I try to make it all make sense, it doesn't and it never will. Yet, I don't know. Part of me feels like I need to put it all together.

Homework Done

2007-11-18T21:46:00.000-06:00

I finished my homework assignment..unless I want to add one more statement. I did 4 statements total. I am still trying to figure out what I learned from this assignment, but one thing I know for sure is that it has never taken me as long to write four sentences as it did this weekend. It's not easy talking to God about yourself, your own struggle, when all you've done for the last 3-4 months is talk to Him about others.

The next part of this assignment is to watch what God does now that I've taken a really small step to "let Him in" to my little world. What happens next? I'm not real sure. I just know how hard it was for me to do those 4 sentences, but I also know that it's a start.

The journey continues....

Half-way There

2007-11-17T21:15:00.000-06:00

2 down at least 2 more to go- The remaining statements are to be done tomorrow.

It took me over 10 minutes to write two sentences containing 4 words or less. That stinks. But I'm halfway there. I just finished my two sentences. Not only did I write them but I read them out loud too. I thought that maybe that might make it seem more real, that I was actually talking to God about me. My hand hurts from holding the pen so tight and I have the shakes so I decided to stop for tonight. My goal for today was 2 statements. It was 9:00p when I started. I had to make sure that there was nothing else I could do to occupy my time before I wrote those sentences.

I'll keep trudging along. More tomorrow when this is all over.

4 Statements to God

2007-11-08T22:27:00.000-06:00

So, here I go. I have four weeks (give or take a few days) to write 4-5 statements to God. Yep, that will bring God closer. So how does that make me feel?
- I want to run far, far away
- Just thinking about it makes my stomach into knots
- It sucks that I can't even write 4-5 statements to God.

Will I do this assignment? Yeah I will because I know it's what I should do and it's what was asked of me. Will I like doing it? Obviously not. One stone at a time is how the wall comes down. It doesn't all just come crashing down. It's not all or nothing. All the platitudes don't really work right now. It's going to be a long road to travel just to get God close. I wonder if trusting God will get easier the closer I allow Him to be?

The funny thing is that I can't wait until the last minute to do this assignment either. I have to notice how my life goes after I write my 4-5 statements to God.

Hum...this could be interesting. Scary and interesting.

Turtle upside down in my shell

2007-10-26T11:30:00.000-05:00

For the last several days I have been feeling kinda down. Sunday and Monday I just felt stuck, like a was once again spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. When I was asked what was going on, I had no words to explain it. I knew something was off but didn't really know how to put it into words.

When I went to see my counselor on Tuesday and it all came to a head. It wasn't that he told me something I had never heard before. There's just something different about hearing the same thing from your counselor that your friends have told you before. Maybe it seems more likely to be a possibility when a professional counselor "pegs you" the same as your friends did.

I'm not ready yet to go into a lot of detail on the issue, but it all has to do with my faith struggle. As I was told last night, the closer we get to the "real issue" the more uncomfortable it will become. I guess then that we are getting closer and it really sucks. So, for the last few days I have retreated back into my shell, but this time turned upside down. There are people in my life that care about me and want to help me journey through this. Yet I won't talk to them about what's going on. I think that if I do it will make "that which we do not speak of" a reality.

I don't have homework this time. My counselor could tell that I was uncomfortable with the session and he just wants me to pay attention to my thoughts in the next couple of weeks. So, that's what's going on. I wonder if maybe the more I talk about it, the easier it will be to admit it and work through it.

God Loves Me

2007-10-12T21:59:00.000-05:00

"Jesus love me this I know
For the Bible tells me so"

That's what I know today....that's what I believe today. God loves me. He doesn't give me any answers. I still don't want Him close, but I know He loves me. I watched a good movie tonight. The plan was to go see a movie where I didn't have to think. I get so tired of thinking that sometimes I like to do things where there is no thinking involved. The movie was The Game Plan. If you haven't seen it, it was actually pretty cute. For those of you who haven't seen it, this may spoil part of it, so you might not want to read further until you see the movie, if you care. Anyway, I made it to the last 10 minutes of the movie without much thought.

There's a point in the movie where the little girl leaves to go back home and her dad lets her go. He doesn't chase after her. He ask a football buddy of his what he is suppose to do. He is heartbroken over the loss of his child. His friend says, that the only thing he can do is to make sure she knows that he loves her and nothing will ever change that. The hope is that one day his daughter will come back to him. Her dad doesn't chase her, she has to decide if/when she wants to come back to him.

Parallels? I think so. Reminds me of the Prodigal Son. Jesus never chased Thomas. He didn't spend all of His time persuading Thomas with His words that Jesus was who He claimed to be. He showed him that He loved him. Hum...

God loves me. I'm not sure that I love Him. He still loves me. I don't want Him close because it scares me. He still loves me. I don't trust Him. He still loves me.

That blows me away.

Trying to Answer a Hard, Honest Question

2007-10-08T21:43:00.001-05:00

Last night I found myself asking the question, "Do I love God?" I want to, I honestly do. But, right now I don't know that I do. I know that He loves me, but it's hard for me to love Him as much as I think I should when I am scared of Him. I guess that's where grace comes in. He loves me even though I can't say that I love Him right now.

Man, that's hard to admit. In fact, that's so hard, that I can't really say anymore. There's nothing left to say after that.

I did finish my homework, so we shall see tomorrow how it all goes.

Loving God

2007-10-07T23:51:00.000-05:00

Here's a question:

Right now, do I honestly love God?

I'm afraid to answer that question honestly, so I'll just put it out there for now.

More later....

It's Been Awhile

2007-10-04T22:41:00.000-05:00

As some of you have noticed, it's been a while since I last posted. Honestly, I haven't allowed myself enough time to sit down and post anything in about two weeks. Life has been busy, somewhat due to my own doing, but not all of it. So, here's an update of the latest...

I was asked today by BJK what I am learning. I am learning that nothing much has changed. I am learning that a large part of me desires intimate fellowship with God, but an equally large part of me is scared to death of that intimacy. My counseling assignment for this time, due next Tuesday, is to find a Psalm that expresses my faith struggle. The problem that I keep running across is that every time I find one that I think I can use, in that same Psalm there is always a part of praying to God, either when the Psalmist is being honest with God, expressing praise or trouble. That's where I get stuck. Because I am not there, I have to move on to another one. It's a good thing there are 150 Psalms. I think I am just going to have to piece a couple of them together to make my own.

I asked a friend of mine the other night, if it was all worth it. Sometimes, lately, more times then not it seems like it's just not worth it. Many days I wake up feeling discouraged. I know I'm not where I should be, but the road just seems so long. The last two nights while listening to sermons by Louie Giglio, I found myself honestly wanting to "wake up," to just let it all go and let the love of God be enough. What was so incredibly frustrating about that was the feeling that there is a huge wall that prevents me from the goal which I know is out there.

I just got off the phone with another friend of mine who told me that the wall is going to have to come down brick by brick. It's too big to go around, to high to go over, it can just come down one brick at a time. That seems so tedious to me.

There are things that I am thankful for, one of those being the ability to not have to worry about sleep anymore. Thanks to the invention of modern medicine, I can sleep soundly no matter what's running through my head. And yes, after two weeks of being on the medication, things do start looking better when I've had some sleep. So, maybe it's partly true when my mom used to tell me "get some sleep, things will look better in the morning." It's off to sleep I go. I think tomorrow on my day off I will work on my assignment and hopefully go ahead and finish it. We shall see what it looks like when this "combined" Psalm appears.

Basically, I'm just ready for enough to be enough and this struggle to be over. If only it were that easy.

Does God Get Frustrated

2007-09-18T21:25:00.000-05:00

For several weeks now I have tried to determine if I believe that God is frustrated at me because I just don't seem to get it. I thought I could have said that God wasn't frustrated at me because I am His child and according to Colossians 1:22 He sees me through the cross of Christ as holy and blameless. To me that would mean that He doesn't get frustrated or disappointed at me. So, I've asked some people and they have pointed me to various references in the Bible where God seems to be frustrated at people. He put Job in His place and then looking at the time in Scripture when Jesus reacted to the disciples falling asleep in the garden. So, then I thought, well maybe God does get frustrated at me. So, I just didn't know and I'm not sure I still do.

Here's a new spin on it though. I am God's child and He loves me. My parents love me and growing up they oftentimes got frustrated at me when I did something wrong or acted a certain way that they didn't agree with. Yet, when it was all over they still loved me. So, here's the thought. I am on a journey that isn't blatantly wrong. Most days I am trying to move forward on this journey trying to get to a place where my mind can rest in who I now understand God to be and trust Him again. Sure there are those days when I "dig my heels in" and don't want to move anymore for a variety of reasons. Those days are when I think God gets frustrated with me. As long as I am making forward progress I think that's OK.

It seems that in His response to Job, God was reminding Job of the differences between Him and Job. I'm not sure God was frustrated. I think God was loving, telling Job about Him and ended up blessing him more then he had to begin with. As far as the disciples go, I think Jesus just kinda rolled His eyes at them knowing that this was their human nature. I think God does get frustrated when we do things that we know are black and white wrong and do them anyway.

Like I said earlier I don't have this all figured out. I may be totally off base and if I am I will go back to the drawing board and try again. I wonder if it really matters if God gets frustrated or disappointed in us. I know that sometimes I put my frustration with myself onto God. Thinking that since I am frustrated with myself because of the length of my journey and the struggle that goes with it, God must be frustrated with me too. I know that's dangerous and it's wrong, but I think that's part of it.

What Do I Believe About God?

2007-09-16T17:10:00.001-05:00

What a hard question to ask myself. But, alas, I have been spending the last hour trying to figure that out. It's not easy asking yourself that question when you have to battle that with what you know to be true about God. There is always that difference between knowing and believing. There is so much that I know to be true about God, but I have such a hard time believing it. Working on this list of the things I know about God vs. what I believe about God has brought to light some interesting struggles that I know I have but don't really like to face. I think that was part of the purpose of this assignment. It's just hard and I'm tired of things being difficult. But then again, who am I to complain. There are LOTS of people on the earth who have struggles much more difficult then mine. So, I will go back to my assignment and continue to do a little introspection and see where it gets me.

Small Discovery

2007-09-16T17:01:00.000-05:00

Last night myself and some friends of mine attended a Bible study where there was worship involved. Prior to going I didn't really focus so much on the idea that there would be worship but that I would have the opportunity to meet new people and that's always a good thing. During the worship time, I found myself wondering why it's so hard for me to worship God "in spirit and truth." Why does everything in me not want to participate in worship? When I am in a worship setting whether it's at church or somewhere else, I get very nervous and very distracted. I realized last night, that it's because I think that worshipping God is bringing too close and that's extremely uncomfortable. It has been suggested to me that I move to a different place in the worship center at church that allows me, during a worship service, to only participate in the parts of the service that I feel comfortable participating in. Good idea I thought. Then maybe I can worship God in a way that is truth and doesn't make me all nervous. I was too tired today to attend worship and after last night the desire to worship really wasn't there. But, maybe next week I will try it at church on Sunday. That's a long time away in my world but we shall see.

Bring the Rain

2007-09-14T22:39:00.000-05:00

So this morning I woke up to a song on the radio that I have heard many times before. Bring the Rain by Mercy Me is a song that could possibly have an OK message if I could agree to it. The problem I have is with the part below that is written in a different color.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

My question is, how can someone ask God to bring them difficult circumstances if that's what brings Him glory? Would anyone really ever ask God that? If so, how does someone get to that point? That just totally blows my mind. I've been working on my homework tonight and it's causing me pause for thought in a lot of things related to God: who He is, how He works, what I believe, etc... I just wondered what you all thought. Maybe I'm way off base on this, but it just doesn't make any sense.

A Relationship with God

2007-09-10T22:29:00.000-05:00

So, last night I read a chapter in a book that a friend of mine was reading and she recommended that I read this particular chapter. The book entitled, "Do I Really Know God?" is written by Billy Graham's grandson. I only read one chapter, the one about questioning your relationship with God when all goes dark. One thing I have never done throughout all of this is question my relationship with God. I know I have a relationship with a Heavenly Father who loves me. The author made a good point though. His theme of the chapter was knowing that because we have struggles with God: times of doubt, times of confusion, times of frustration, times of wrestling with God, shows that we do indeed have a relationship with God. If there was no relationship, there would be no struggle...I just wouldn't care. But I do care and I think that's part of the circle that I find myself in. I care that my relationship with God isn't what it should or needs to be that I want to make it better. Yet when I am faced with things I can do to make my relationship with God what it needs to be, I get scared.

So, I have a relationship with God. So what? What's next? The "sunday school" answer is that one would grow in their relationship with God. Yes, that would be the logical step. But I gave up logic a long time ago in search for something greater. I do want to grow, but right now that seems like too lofty of a goal. I think I just need to focus on getting to a place where I'm not scared of spending time with God or trusting God, then I will worry about growth.

On another note, my homework for the next week or so is to make two columns. In one column, I write all those things that I know cognitively about God. In the other column, I write what I honestly believe about God in regards to my faith struggle. Those two things will not necessarily agree with one another. It's proving to be a lot harder then I thought. My last assignment wasn't too difficult because it was very objective..very black and white. This one forces me to glance inward and ask myself what I really believe about God and I am finding that I don't like the answers. I ask myself, "How did I allow myself to become so screwed up?" But, I'm sure just like all of my other assignments this one will have a purpose too. I have to remind myself frequently that the purpose of all these assignments is to get me to turn and face my struggle and eventually turn and face God...that makes me want to run. Oh well, one step at a time.

Do Not Be Afraid

2007-09-02T23:33:00.000-05:00

So, I finally finished my assignment. I ended up with 56 references to where God, an angel, or a prophet told someone to not be afraid. In most of those instances it seems that following those words was the reminder of God's presence. In most of those situations, it was enough for those people to be reminded of the presence of God. Why can't that be enough for me? In all actuallity, God is present with me walking along beside me each step of the way. But why is that so scary? I don't want to be scared but fear is such a driving emotion that it's hard to escape. To live my life trapped in a constant state of fear would suck. So, what are my choices? One, stay afraid or two, keep going inspite of my fear. I have to overcome fear...I just don't know how.

This weekend was OK. I kinda felt like I was avoiding facing my struggles and maybe I was, but a little bit of a break is always nice. I didn't go to worship today, partly because I was exhausted after a long weekend and partly because I didn't want to have the same experience that I had last Sunday. Yet again, tomorrow's another day.

Made an Effort

2007-08-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an interesting day...it was a hard day...but it wasn't all bad. I decided yesterday that I would try to take another step on this journey. So...I went to worship. It went OK. The best way to describe it is that it was kinda an outer body experience. There's not really words to describe it except for that. I found myself completely detaching from my struggles to just be in worship. Was it true worship? Probably not...but I did go. Later that morning I received some news that really frustrated me, but it's not something that can't be taken care of. It just presents a challenge at work. Later that evening I worked on my homework assignment some more. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm getting there. Hopefully this weekend it will be done. So, I made these steps yesterday...then why did my day end so crappy?

Last night at Bible study was incredibly hard. The topics were hard to listen to and I felt personally attacked...even though that wasn't the intent. I guess it's just hard to hear things that you know you should be doing but aren't doing. It was just rough...kinda took me by surprise. So before I went to bed last night I was pretty worked up to say the least. It was kinda like..if I were talking to God the conversation would be this. Ok, God I put forth effort today...honest effort...and at the end of the day I'm frustrated, mad, and discouraged. So, why did I put forth the effort? But since I'm choosing not to talk to God about me right now I called my friend and let it all out with her. But that frustrated me too. I don't want to have to call people when I am having an "off night." I want to be able to take care of it myself. Letting people in is a constant battle, hopefully once I realize that it is OK to go to people for help, that will be a step in this journey too.

One Step at a Time

2007-08-25T23:16:00.000-05:00

I've spent a good bit of time today thinking about my faith struggles and trying to figure out how to overcome them and come out on the other side. The thing I keep coming back to is one step at a time. When I wrote my last post I was thinking that maybe I had to jump into this world of trust and world of letting God be in control. That jump terrifies me. So, what is another option? In my session on Tuesday with my counselor, he suggested that maybe the journey is steps instead of a huge cannonball. The more I think about it, the more doable that becomes. So, today I started on one step.

My homework assignment for the next two weeks is to research Scripture and see who was afraid....not having the "fear of God" in them (the reverant kind of fear) but people who were actually, truly afraid. I used the internet to help me out because I figured that there would be a lot of references and I needed a place to start. Anyway, after some on-line research, I found 69 total references to people being afraid and God or a prophet telling them not to fear. So, today I started going through the 7 page report by looking at each story in Scripture and seeing what the situation was that caused that person to experience fear and what was God's reaction to that fear. I've gotten through the 1st 3 pages so far and what I have found is that God's answer to peoples' fear was to tell them not to be afraid, that He was with them. It seems that His presence and the absence of fear are linked together.

Hum...maybe that's one reason I am so fearful of trusting God. In my little world I want to keep God far away...even though in reality He is actually very close. Because I want to keep Him far away, that makes me terrified to think of "crossing over" all by myself. That probably doesn't make much sense but it's just a thought.

I told my counselor that I could do this homework because it doesn't directly bring God closer to me or maybe I should say bring me closer to God. I still don't understand all of this....and that bothers me. I like to understand what's going on in my life and in my attempts to understand it all, I have tried so hard to keep everything under control. At least I spent some time today doing a little research and was reminded that I'm not the only person who has been scared before. I'm sure that the further I get into this assignment, the more I will realize.

Right now though, a HUGE part of me wants to crawl back into my shell...I know I am working on a step...but I'm not real sure people can go with me on my journey anymore. Hum...just a thought.

Rollercoaster Weekend

2007-08-19T23:24:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been interesting...there's been a lot of ups and downs.

Friday I spent the day at my friend's house helping her get ready for her family to visit. I told her late Thursday night that we needed to talk on Friday. The reason being that I needed to figure out what was running through this head of mine. She asked me Friday if I wanted to talk and I told her I didn't know. She said she wasn't going to drag it out of me, but if/when I wanted to talk she was there to listen. Finally, around 1:30 Saturday morning I showed her a couple of pages of my journal. There wasn't much talking done because I couldn't find the words to say to express all that was running through my head. So, I left there early Saturday morning in a horrible mood because what I had wanted to accomplish by spending the day with her wasn't done. Yes, we got her house clean, but I didn't talk to her like I wanted to. That seems to be more the norm then the exception. I'm just a HUGE chicken. Yet, part of me thinks that all of my friends need a break. I've ran this circle before, and I am finding myself in the circle again. So, what will tomorrow hold..I dunno. I will probably just spend most of it keeping my thoughts to myself until they absolutely eat me up. No, it's not healthy...it's not helpful..but I think it's necessary.

Tonight I went over to my friends' house to play games. Before I went, I had no desire to go. After church I wanted to come home and just lay on the couch, keeping to myself. But, alas, I made myself go. I stopped by the store on the way and picked up some snacks. I had a good time hanging out with people that I don't see all that often. It was an enjoyable evening just spending time with friends playing games, enjoying one another's company.

So, here I am at 12:02 am and I'm still up. Where am I now on this rollercoaster...I don't know just yet. I have a feeling that tomorrow will be a quiet day...I have a ton of work to do...but my mind seems elsewhere. Hopefully I can compartmentalize tomorrow and get some work done. Right now, I will finish drinking my Sleepytime tea and head to bed.

After all....just one day at a time.

Standing on the Edge

2007-08-13T22:02:00.000-05:00

So I've had a week to run some things through my head. Last Tuesday I was told by my counselor that I seem to live in a world that's not so much reality. Not like I'm crazy or anything, I just have a different idea then most "normal" people I guess. I still don't understand it all. But here is my attempt to figure it out.

My world is Controlled Chaos. I do everything I can to have everything under control. It's chaotic, full of struggle, and extremely tiresome but I live there. I live amongst my faith struggle everyday and function with that struggle. I know what my world feels like. I spend my time extremely busy so I don't have to think about what reality looks like. What happens if something happens out of my control, in my own little world? Then my circle of control gets a little tighter. Other elements of my world are it's known and it's safe. There's one part of it that's extremely uncomfortable, but that's for another day. As I type this everything in me knows that all of this is wrong. It goes against what Scripture teaches and against what I know to be reality. The thing is, right now I like my little world that I have created...or at least the illusion of my little world. I seem to be standing at the edge of my Controlled Chaos world, looking over the edge into the world of reality and truth, knowing I should jump but terrified to do so.

So, what does the World of Reality/Truth look like? To me, it is a world full of uncertainity. It's also a place where I let God be God and give Him control. I also think that there will be a different view of struggle and a good bit of fear associated with the unknown. The question is can I exist in the world of truth and keep God far away? There is still something terrifying about God getting close to me. I haven't been able to put my finger on it just yet, but I wonder how all of this relates together. So, I'm standing on edge...terrified to jump.

I wish there was something I could do to take a small step but I honestly don't know what that is. People have told me to try different things, but none of those interest me since they all have to do with God getting close. My counselor seems to think that me letting God get close will be a by-product of being in the world of truth. Hum...still thinking about all of this. No wonder I don't sleep so well.

My Journal

2007-08-06T22:31:00.001-05:00

So, here's something new I am trying...maybe it's a step...I dunno though.

A good friend of mine who has experienced a very similar struggle as what I am muddling through let me into a very personal part of her life recently. She gave me three journals of hers to read...those journals are the ones that she wrote in as she journeyed through redefining her faith in who God is and how He works. I could write a huge post on what it meant to me for her to allow me to read those, but I'm sure you can probably imagine that.

She has encouraged me to start a journal of my own, one that is just paper, a pen, and some colored pencils. She said that this was something that could be my own...I can do whatever I want in it. I can draw pictures, write words, or just scribble....making it my own. So, before I went on vacation I took a trip to Target, bought a journal, a pen, and two sets of colored pencils. All ready to go and then I got stuck. I have drawn some pictures and written down some things that I have found familar in my friend's journals that I would like to note in mine. But, there's not a lot of self-exploration there. Maybe that will come. I wonder though if there's something more to that. Maybe, a little fear...or a lot of fear. Maybe I don't want to be honest with myself...but why?

At least I have a journal and am open to trying something different and it will be interesting to see what comes of it. I think though in order to reap all of the benefits of it, I should probably write or draw or scribble what I am thinking and feeling.

A Much Needed Vacation

2007-08-04T21:48:00.000-05:00

Having just returned from a week long trip home and visit to the beach, I have had some time to think about some things. I was told before I left that I didn't need to put all of my struggle on a shelf like I so desperately wanted to do. I need to get to a place where I can live with the struggle and not let it become so "messy." I wasn't sure how to do that and still don't have that all figured out, but I tried. The night before my family and I left for the beach, I was up late talking to a friend of mine. My mind was running with all the things that I struggle with and I was up late trying to sort it out. I had come to a place where I was ready to shelve it all until I got back to Texas 5 days later. My friend encouraged me to spend some time each night while at the beach writing in my journal while. She said other then that, do something fun...relax..and have a good time. So here's what I learned on vacation with my family:

1. My parents are still my parents and always will be. They, like most parents I would guess, still have a hard time letting me be a grown-up. They want to make sure I do EVERYTHING right.

2. You can't drive on sand. My dad had the bright idea to turn around in the sand, needless to say, we got stuck.

3. It is possible for my family to get along for a period of more then 24 hours. Normally, my brother and my mom end up getting in some sort of argument. He was with us at the beach for 48 hours and there was no fight. It was very enjoyable!

4. There's something about the beach, the sound of the waves, the feel of the sand in your toes, that helps me relax and just enjoy where I am at that moment. The beach can be part of my bio-dome.

5. I have to tell myself to relax...slow down...and enjoy whatever it is that I am doing at the time. My desire to be constantly doing something did follow me to the beach and I had to tell myself time and time again, to stop and enjoy the moment. By the time the trip was over, I was able to do that. Yet again, it's easier at the beach then it is in my normal everyday life.

My family vacation at the beach was enjoyable...relaxing (when I let it be)...and sitting on the beach was great! Now...back to my "normal" life. Whatever that is.

Honestly: How Long Can I Avoid It

2007-07-22T23:25:00.000-05:00

So, today was another Sunday. Sundays are busy days for me. They are very long days...days filled with meeting new families, leading children in worship, and just being "on my A game." So that makes me wonder...is part of my "A" game to attend worship for myself? I went this morning to the sermon portion of worship and did OK. The topic was on something that really didn't have much to do with this whole faith struggle. But, I guess the good thing is that I went. I did stay for one song...it was a hymn but yes I found it hard to sing. Hymns don't usually affect me the way praise and worship songs do though. Tonight I had the choice once again to stay for worship after our business meeting and choose not to do so. Both of those incidents seem relatively small...but I am quite sure they represent something greater than just a struggle with worship. So the question I am asking myself tonight is...how long can I avoid going to worship? I tell children many times that attending worship is one thing that we can do to grow as Christ-followers. Yet another example of telling children what they are suppose to do and not doing it myself. So, the cycle continues.

My Bio-Dome

2007-07-18T21:19:00.000-05:00

Last night was another long night. I ended up not getting more than a couple hours sleep at a friend's house. We were up most of the night hashing through the jungle that is my life. One thing that we talked about extensively was the idea of me spending time in a bio-dome. Inside this bio-dome is the my "perfect" world. I have control over what enters the dome and what leaves. When I went to bed at 3:30am, I knew I wouldn't sleep a whole lot because my mind was running. It was suggested that I don't allow the "mental gymnastics" into my bio-dome so that I could get a few hours of sleep. I tried...I really did. Still woke up frequently..could be due to a number of things, not just the thoughts running through my head.

It's actually quite a nice idea to think that I can operate in my bio-dome with complete control. I can choose everything that happens in there. The problem is that every now and then I have to come out and face things that aren't necessarily something I would allow in my bio-dome. If I continue to explore this analogy, it begs the question: Where is God in relation to my bio-dome? I know He's not in it. He can't be right now...so how close do I let Him get? I can sort of picture God sitting on the outside of my dome and me on the inside...no communication, but there He sits. That kinda bothers me though. I would think that eventually I would get tired of just looking at Him. I would either begin to talk to Him about me or move Him farther away. Why can't I allow Him into my bio-dome? That's the big question.

I was told that for my friend the bio-dome worked to give her a safe place to heal, even if it wasn't real. I can see it providing an escape for me...kind of a break from those thoughts that run through my head. A break would be nice. The thing is...I can't live forever in my bio-dome. Eventually, it will have to come down. Hum....Thoughts?